Deborah Ross: An open letter to the bosses of Channel 4

If you ask me...

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If you ask me, now that the Gillian McKeith is out of the country, I feel there is a vacancy for someone to bully poor, fat people on television and I have written to Channel 4 in the hope they might consider me for the job.

"Dear Channel 4, I would like to apply for the job of bullying poor, fat people on TV, and have already mastered many of the horrifyingly belittling but necessary phrases. For example, I can shout: 'DO YOU WANT TO GO TO AN EARLY GRAVE? DO YOU?' And: 'CHIPS! CHIPS! YOUR CHILDREN EAT CHIPS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST INJECT POISON DIRECTLY INTO THIER VEINS AND BE DONE WITH IT? WHY DON'T YOU THROW THEM FROM A SPEEDING CAR ON TO A MOTORWAY? WHY DIDN'T YOU GET STERILISED?'

I will, of course, also follow them with cameras as they jog brokenly around a park. I do not charge extra for further exploiting their self-loathing in this way, just as I don't charge extra for smelling their poo and pulling a disgusted face, as if poo is meant to smell of pot-pourri and lavender sachets and freshly mown grass. I will make them feel that even poo-ing isn't something they can do well. I'll be terrific.

You may ask what qualifies me to turn up in people's houses, toss my hair, and then inform them they are pathetic losers. This is fair enough, but I would like to assure you that I did not get my doctorate from a non-accredited American university as I bought it from Bishops, my local hardware store. I also bought a radiator key and two hooks, but as those have proved useless as money-spinners, and have garnered me no fame whatsoever, I am thinking of returning them.

I do believe I would be a big success, and what's the worst that can happen? That the public will get the last laugh? That I'll end up on a former penal colony, up to my neck in rats and spiders, while revealing myself as the most pathetic, fake loser of them all? Yeah. Right. That's really going to happen. I do hope to hear from you soon, Yours...

PS: If you have already filled this vacancy, I could do a childcare programme where I humiliate parents. I am fully trained, having purchased the qualification from John Lewis, and I still have the receipt to prove it. I also bought shoe laces and a tea-towel but, needless to say, these proved useless. I don't know why I bother".

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