Deborah Ross: An unforgettable display of Commentatoritis!

 

Share

It's a rum business when, having previously expressed no interest in sport, I now find I not only have serious things to say about equestrian matters – for example, I think all penalty shoot-outs should definitely involve horses from hereon in – but have come down with that form of Olympic fever known in the medical literature (BMJ, XVI) as Olympic Commentaritis. This is not a deadly condition, but it is massively inconvenient as you can't do even the simplest things without whooping joyously and then exploding with excitement. I first realised I'd caught Olympic Commentaritis the other morning, while putting on my socks. "Come on, come on, come on!" I found myself saying, as the tension mounted.

"Keep the pressure up! You have to believe you can do this. Oh, yes! Marvellous! This has to be full marks!" And it carried on when I saw my neighbour, Sue, putting out her recycling. "Some beautiful movements in that routine," I told her. "A wonderful display!"

"On no," said Sue, "what is it this time?" Olympic Commentaritis, I said, She sympathised, she said, but was glad I had at least recovered from my recent bout of ShadesOfGreyitis when I begged every passer-by to call me "baby girl" and whip my "nooni" before flying me to the south of France on a private jet. That was embarrassing, I confirmed, particularly as I had no takers.

Still, I added, at least I can now whoop and explode with excitement all by myself, and Sue not only nodded sagely at this, but queried: "Is it very catching? Will you breathe in my face?"

My favourite name of the games is that of the young Liverpudlian athlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson. I love saying her name for the sheer joy of feeling it roll off the tongue and, because I wish to carry on saying it, I have decided to rename my dog Katarina Johnson-Thompson.

So, if you should pass my house, you will not only hear me commentating on putting the kettle on – "An awkward little manoeuvre, brilliantly executed!" – but will also hear me saying: "Sit, Katarina Johnson-Thompson". And: "Does Katarina Johnson-Thompson want a belly rub? I bet Katarina Johnson-Thompson does". So far today, if you are interested, Katarina Johnson-Thompson has barked at a bush, chased a squirrel up a tree, drunk from the toilet, and been humped by a massive Golden Retriever called Max. "What a great morning," Katarina Johnson-Thompson would have told Clare Balding, had Katarina Johnson-Thompson been asked.

If you could be a great Olympian, what sport would you choose? I had thought about this but it wasn't until I saw the triathlon that I knew, and immediately called my own brother. "Jon," I said, "if we start training now I'm sure we'll be ready for Rio." He said: "Clear off. I'm in a meeting. Don't bother me again." After that, I slumped at the kitchen table, wept a little, and ate peanut butter straight from the jar. Depression, I think, brought on by realising my Olympic dream was over.

Still, it has not affected Katarina Johnson-Thompson, who is happily dozing on the sofa, as I would be if I'd been shagged before elevenses, or had even attracted one taker. Oh well, I've told myself, I gave it 150 per cent, but just didn't have it on the night. Cripes, look at that! I've got Olympic Loseritis As Told To Sharron Davies now...

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Operational Risk Manager - Asset Management

£60,000 - £80,000: Saxton Leigh: Our client is an leading Asset Manager based...

Year 5/6 Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Sheffield: Permanent Year 6 TeacherThe job:This...

KS1 & KS2 Teachers

Negotiable: Randstad Education Sheffield: KS1+KS2 Teachers required ASAP for l...

Year 2 Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Sheffield: Year 2 Teacher The position is to wo...

Day In a Page

 

In Sickness and in Health: Waking up to my 4am witching hour of worry

Rebecca Armstrong
Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

How to dress with authority

Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

Tim Minchin interview

For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album
Hugh Bonneville & Peter James: 'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'

How We Met: Hugh Bonneville & Peter James

'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's heavenly crab dishes don't need hours of preparation

Bill Granger's heavenly crab recipes

Scared off by the strain of shelling a crab? Let a fishmonger do the hard work so you can focus on getting the flavours right
Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

After a remarkable conversion from reckless defender to prolific striker, Monaco's ace says he wants to make his loan deal at Old Trafford permanent
Terry Venables: Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England

Terry Venables column

Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England
The Inside Word: Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past

Michael Calvin's Inside Word

Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past