Deborah Ross: Be very careful where you drop that dress size...

If you ask me: Last time I decided to get a bikini body in 14 days, I was out when it was delivered
  • @deborahross

If you ask me, and if you aren't already, you must now seriously get to it, if you are going to "drop a dress size in time for Christmas", which is what you absolutely must do in November, just as you must "get a bikini body in 14 days!" come spring. As it stands, there is actually no part of the year when you do not have to forward-plan bodily improvements, aside from 10 minutes in early September, but this is soon about to change as "Tone Your Bum for Bonfire Night" has recently been ratified by the Royal Society for Furthering Body Disquiet, just so you know. However, although we are always given tips on how to drop a dress size, there is very little advice on where to drop it, which is what I would like to attend to today, as it matters.

I, for instance, accidentally dropped a dress size on the Tube once, somewhere between Warren Street and Green Park and, alas, never saw it again, even though I filled in all the forms and appealed to the British Transport Police to check their CCTV tapes.

I believed, and still do, that someone made off with my dropped dress size and it would not be hard to spot the culprit. "Look for someone," I told them, "who got onto the Victoria Line as a size 14, say, but got off as a size 12, and there you have it, our thief!" But they steadfastly refused, saying a dress size is always the owner's responsibility, and I should have taken more care.

I don't know why I have such little luck on these occasions. Last time, for example, I decided to get a bikini body within 14 days, I was out when it was delivered, and no matter how much I chased it up, and appeared at various post offices tearfully waving a council tax bill, it never materialised, and is there anything crueller than sitting on the beach in a cover-up, while knowing your bikini body is out there somewhere? There is not.

So watch where you drop your dress size and, in those instances you do not mislay it, do try to dispose of it with caution. Never drop it from a high window, for instance, as this represents a danger to passers-by and, according to RoSPA, can kill a small child – and never drop it on to a hard surface, as it could bounce back and hit you in the face.

In fact, some people find dropping a dress size so awkward that they somehow opt to go up one instead.

This may, I should tell you, even be inevitable...