Deborah Ross: Be very careful where you drop that dress size...

If you ask me: Last time I decided to get a bikini body in 14 days, I was out when it was delivered

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, and if you aren't already, you must now seriously get to it, if you are going to "drop a dress size in time for Christmas", which is what you absolutely must do in November, just as you must "get a bikini body in 14 days!" come spring. As it stands, there is actually no part of the year when you do not have to forward-plan bodily improvements, aside from 10 minutes in early September, but this is soon about to change as "Tone Your Bum for Bonfire Night" has recently been ratified by the Royal Society for Furthering Body Disquiet, just so you know. However, although we are always given tips on how to drop a dress size, there is very little advice on where to drop it, which is what I would like to attend to today, as it matters.

I, for instance, accidentally dropped a dress size on the Tube once, somewhere between Warren Street and Green Park and, alas, never saw it again, even though I filled in all the forms and appealed to the British Transport Police to check their CCTV tapes.

I believed, and still do, that someone made off with my dropped dress size and it would not be hard to spot the culprit. "Look for someone," I told them, "who got onto the Victoria Line as a size 14, say, but got off as a size 12, and there you have it, our thief!" But they steadfastly refused, saying a dress size is always the owner's responsibility, and I should have taken more care.

I don't know why I have such little luck on these occasions. Last time, for example, I decided to get a bikini body within 14 days, I was out when it was delivered, and no matter how much I chased it up, and appeared at various post offices tearfully waving a council tax bill, it never materialised, and is there anything crueller than sitting on the beach in a cover-up, while knowing your bikini body is out there somewhere? There is not.

So watch where you drop your dress size and, in those instances you do not mislay it, do try to dispose of it with caution. Never drop it from a high window, for instance, as this represents a danger to passers-by and, according to RoSPA, can kill a small child – and never drop it on to a hard surface, as it could bounce back and hit you in the face.

In fact, some people find dropping a dress size so awkward that they somehow opt to go up one instead.

This may, I should tell you, even be inevitable...

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior C++ Developer

£350 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Senior C++ Developer – L...

Practice Manager

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: HEREFORDSHIRE - A very exciting and rare oppor...

Part Time SEN Teacher

£120 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: Are you looking for a Part Time S...

Client Services Associate (MS Office, Analysis, Graduate)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Client Services Associate (Microsoft Office, Ana...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Lada became a symbol of Russia’s failure to keep up with Western economies  

Our sanctions will not cripple Russia. It is doing a lot of the dirty work itself

Hamish McRae
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

Broadcasting plays and exhibitions to cinemas is a sure-fire box office smash
Shipping container hotels: Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Spending the night in a shipping container doesn't sound appealing, but these mobile crash pads are popping up at the summer's biggest events
Native American headdresses are not fashion accessories

Feather dust-up

A Canadian festival has banned Native American headwear. Haven't we been here before?
Boris Johnson's war on diesel

Boris Johnson's war on diesel

11m cars here run on diesel. It's seen as a greener alternative to unleaded petrol. So why is London's mayor on a crusade against the black pump?
5 best waterproof cameras

Splash and flash: 5 best waterproof cameras

Don't let water stop you taking snaps with one of these machines that will take you from the sand to meters deep
Louis van Gaal interview: Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era

Louis van Gaal interview

Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era
Will Gore: The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series

Will Gore: Outside Edge

The goodwill shown by fans towards Alastair Cook will evaporate rapidly if India win the series
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz