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Deborah Ross: Classic British films re-sold to the cinema-goers who matter

If you ask me...
  • @deborahross

If you ask me, David Cameron's recent plea to the UK film industry requesting it should "try to support more commercially viable pictures" has made me think that the only way this might be possible is by aiming all movies at the youth market and, in particular, the popcorn-munching, Coke-slurping teenagers who are almost solely responsible for the success of mainstream blockbusters.

Alternatively, though, why not just re-sell classic British films to this demographic with, perhaps, age-appropriate, enticing poster taglines? They could be as follows:

Walkabout: "A well brought-up young lady swims in the buff! Seriously!" ("I sniggered so hard I thought I'd never stop" – Nuts magazine. "I sniggered so hard I snorted my drink out my nose" – Loaded)

One Million Years BC: "Think no one and nothing can be as old as your dad? Think again"

The 39 Steps: "Fated to be mated with the one man she hated – but that's Lynx for you"

Whisky Galore: "Getting pissed for free" ("Even better than raiding your parents' drinks cabinet" – Cosmo Girl)

The Go-Between: "The past is a foreign country: they do things different there, and didn't have televisions or mobile phones or PlayStations or Facebook or Topshop or Nike or anything. Would you survive? Could you?" ("Chilling" – Just Seventeen. "Terrifying and haunting" – Bliss)

The Killing of Sister George: "Lessies!!!!!!!"

Black Narcissus: "High in a hidden mountain village, extravagant dreams and desires become exciting realities, so not unlike Westfield with a pocket full of birthday money! Yay!"

Don't Look Now: Check out the fab red coat, as available from Asos. ("It's darling" – Teen Vogue)

Chariots of Fire: "You'll laugh. And laugh. And laugh!" ("The funniest film about running in slow motion we have ever seen. Hilarious" – Zoo magazine)

Kes: "Birds. Football. Bunking off school. Is there a problem here?"

Lawrence of Arabia: "A mighty motion picture of action and adventure and quite a bit of camel toe"

Brief Encounter: "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, nearly. (Warning: May contain scenes in which sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex is nearly had)"

Brighton Rock: "If it's on your GCSE syllabus, you won't need to suffer the book which is, like, so boring. What's the point of reading anyhow?"

The Red Shoes: "So in, so now, so darling!" ("But don't wear with the red coat, as you don't want to be all matchy-matchy like your dumb old mum who thinks she knows everything but knows absolutely nothing yet still won't get out your face" – Just Seventeen)