Deborah Ross: Does my bum look big in Asda's survey?

If you ask me: Asda say that all bottoms now come in four "fruity" shapes
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, the news that Asda has unveiled a "Wonderbum" party dress designed to "enhance every bottom shape" may have provoked you to look at your own bum and wonder: "Now, my pretty, how am I going to dress you today, or should I just get a life?"

But wait. Hold up. It is based on research. Asda, apparently, surveyed 1,800 women and discovered that 85 per cent worry about the size and shape of their bottom while, I'm guessing, 100 per cent wished they'd gone to Waitrose where, generally, you can go about your business without being quizzed about your arse. Yes, Waitrose is more expensive, but as one woman told me: "I'm happy to spend over the odds so long as I'm not quizzed about my arse. It may even be a small price to pay."

Anyway, Asda, who teamed up with "bottom expert" and psychologist Dr David Holmes, say that all bottoms now come in four "fruity" shapes, which they persist in calling "fruity" even though my own research shows that at least one is certainly a vegetable. One day, my research may meet Asda's research and, if the money is right, they may well fight it out, but until then the shapes are as follows: tomato ("squishy"); nectarine ("pert"); pear ("narrower at the top") and potato ("lumpy").

Don't fret if your "fruity" shape is "potato". Unlike the others you can bake your bum – one hour at 200 degrees usually does it – and if you want to know how to dress it, I would say plain butter is good, although for more information on this matter, I would refer you to one of Nigel Slater's books. He is very good on bums – baked, chipped, steamed or otherwise. But never boil until it goes mushy, as any dress will then look rubbish. (As another woman says: "I once went to a party with a mushy bum, and did not enjoy myself at all.").

I do not, by the way, know if Dr Holmes is married but, if he is, think it's probably about time his wife sat him down and said: "Enough, David. Enough. When I married a psychologist I did not expect this. I want a divorce. I'm taking the kids. I'm taking my bum. I'm only shopping in Waitrose from now on."

As for you, do look at your bum, by all means, and do wonder although I should make you aware of the following: according to my research, any woman who falls for this kind of seasonal nonsense tends to have a brain sized like a pea ("small"), a bead ("just as small") or fish egg ("titchy"). All of these are, of course, farm animals.