Deborah Ross: Don't get a dog until you know the things they'd never say ...

If you ask me

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, the success of Pudsey, the dancing dog, and Uggie, the Hollywood sensation, means dogs have never been more popular, but if you are thinking of acquiring one, you could know what you are letting yourself in for by reading my list of things dogs would never say, even if they could speak:

You look bushed, let's forget our walk today.

Drinking from the toilet is both unhygienic and déclassé.

I feel so cheap and worthless after casual sex.

What, no side salad?

You all go out without me, I'll be fine at home on my own.

Just seeing you happy is my reward ... I'm not in it for the biscuits.

The fact is, I'm just for Christmas, and will be off in the New Year.

Can I please, please have that operation where they cut your balls off?

Turning round three times before lying down is such a waste of time.

I'm so over squirrels.

Best not nap on the sofa in case I get hairs all over it.

I'm full, thanks.

As you value honesty, I should tell you I have fleas.

I do apologise, I had no idea I was wandering around with such a massive boner.

After you, I insist.

Let's go to the vet.

Lucky is so embarrassing; I wish I was called Christopher.

Watch out ... a muddy puddle!

Cheese, I can take it or leave it.

Fetch is not selling out.

Sit, play-dead, roll over ... how about something more intellectually ambitious, like a philosophy class?

Barking at any stranger who happens to pass the house just isn't my thing.

I do like it here, but think I'm ready for my own place.

I only sniffed his arse to be polite.

Watch out ... fox shit!

Picnic raiding is for losers.

This water in the bowl ... it isn't from the tap, is it?

What, no side salad and no garnish?

Being rough-towelled sure beats rolling on all the beds to dry myself.

Oh no, not homework again ... it's all I ate yesterday.

Does it have to be a walk? Couldn't we go to the movies?

I still blush when I think how I mounted that bitch from the wrong end.

It's true, I do like to lick my own genitals, but only in private.

After they've cut my balls off and done with my manhood, can I wear one of those lampshades and ricochet off door jambs and walk into lamp-posts and trip over my own feet? I can?

THANKS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

£40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

Guru Careers: Software Developer

£35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: the paraphernalia of a practised burglar – screwdrivers, gloves, children

Guy Keleny
The PM proposed 'commonsense restrictions' on migrant benefits  

So who, really, is David Cameron, our re-elected ‘one nation’ Prime Minister?

Andrew Grice
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine
Letterman's final Late Show: Laughter, but no tears, as David takes his bow after 33 years

Laughter, but no tears, as Letterman takes his bow after 33 years

Veteran talkshow host steps down to plaudits from four presidents
Ivor Novello Awards 2015: Hozier wins with anti-Catholic song 'Take Me To Church' as John Whittingdale leads praise for Black Sabbath

Hozier's 'blasphemous' song takes Novello award

Singer joins Ed Sheeran and Clean Bandit in celebration of the best in British and Irish music
Tequila gold rush: The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product

Join the tequila gold rush

The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product
12 best statement wallpapers

12 best statement wallpapers

Make an impact and transform a room with a conversation-starting pattern
Paul Scholes column: Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?

Paul Scholes column

Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?