Deborah Ross: Don't get a dog until you know the things they'd never say ...

If you ask me

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, the success of Pudsey, the dancing dog, and Uggie, the Hollywood sensation, means dogs have never been more popular, but if you are thinking of acquiring one, you could know what you are letting yourself in for by reading my list of things dogs would never say, even if they could speak:

You look bushed, let's forget our walk today.

Drinking from the toilet is both unhygienic and déclassé.

I feel so cheap and worthless after casual sex.

What, no side salad?

You all go out without me, I'll be fine at home on my own.

Just seeing you happy is my reward ... I'm not in it for the biscuits.

The fact is, I'm just for Christmas, and will be off in the New Year.

Can I please, please have that operation where they cut your balls off?

Turning round three times before lying down is such a waste of time.

I'm so over squirrels.

Best not nap on the sofa in case I get hairs all over it.

I'm full, thanks.

As you value honesty, I should tell you I have fleas.

I do apologise, I had no idea I was wandering around with such a massive boner.

After you, I insist.

Let's go to the vet.

Lucky is so embarrassing; I wish I was called Christopher.

Watch out ... a muddy puddle!

Cheese, I can take it or leave it.

Fetch is not selling out.

Sit, play-dead, roll over ... how about something more intellectually ambitious, like a philosophy class?

Barking at any stranger who happens to pass the house just isn't my thing.

I do like it here, but think I'm ready for my own place.

I only sniffed his arse to be polite.

Watch out ... fox shit!

Picnic raiding is for losers.

This water in the bowl ... it isn't from the tap, is it?

What, no side salad and no garnish?

Being rough-towelled sure beats rolling on all the beds to dry myself.

Oh no, not homework again ... it's all I ate yesterday.

Does it have to be a walk? Couldn't we go to the movies?

I still blush when I think how I mounted that bitch from the wrong end.

It's true, I do like to lick my own genitals, but only in private.

After they've cut my balls off and done with my manhood, can I wear one of those lampshades and ricochet off door jambs and walk into lamp-posts and trip over my own feet? I can?

THANKS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

 

General Election 2015: The SNP and an SMC (Salmond-Murdoch Conspiracy)

Matthew Norman
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

Everyone is talking about The Trews

Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before
'Queer saint' Peter Watson left his mark on British culture by bankrolling artworld giants

'Queer saint' who bankrolled artworld giants

British culture owes a huge debt to Peter Watson, says Michael Prodger
Pushkin Prizes: Unusual exchange programme aims to bring countries together through culture

Pushkin Prizes brings countries together

Ten Scottish schoolchildren and their Russian peers attended a creative writing workshop in the Highlands this week
14 best kids' hoodies

14 best kids' hoodies

Don't get caught out by that wind on the beach. Zip them up in a lightweight top to see them through summer to autumn
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The acceptable face of the Emirates

The acceptable face of the Emirates

Has Abu Dhabi found a way to blend petrodollars with principles, asks Robert Fisk