Deborah Ross: Email replies to suit all occasions

If you ask me...

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, I get so many emails to my inbox these days I have decided on a one-size-fits-all reply, as follows:

"Dear Max Gentleman, I have no interest in your male enlargement pills although will certainly forward your email to my husband, as I always do. Dear PR Person, thank you for hoping I am well; I assure you I am. Dear Hewlett Packard, yes, I did tick the box saying I do not wish to receive emails from you, but good of you to check. Dear Someone Is Now Following You On Twitter, don't, I'm boring. Dear PR, thank you for asking me to "save the date" even though I will almost certainly waste it elsewhere. Dear Johnny Boden, I occasionally glance at your site but will never buy anything. I'm a prick tease. Get over it.

"Dear I Want One Of Those, I'm afraid I have to tell you that I don't want one of those, whatever it is. Dear BT, your broadband and home computing offers bore me stupid. Dear PR, thank you for inviting me to the launch of Asda's new soup range but I suspect I'd have more fun staying at home and banging my head on all the door-jambs in turn. Dear LOSE WEIGHT NATURALLY!!!!!!, I think I would be more interested in the unnatural options, although I appreciate your exclamatory enthusiasm!!!!!

"Dear Carphone Warehose, get a life, why don't you? Dear Hewlett Packard, thanks for checking again. How incredibly thoughtful! Dear Friends Reunited, absolutely no one is interested in you any more. (Always the last to know, hey?) Dear Ocado, saving 15 per cent may be as easy as 1-2-3, but I've chosen to have a life. Dear Linkedin, I have no idea what you're about, but don't like your tone. Dear Vera Wenge, I'm thrilled Jurge Krugger has chosen to leave me $30m in his will but not surprised, as I always knew he'd come good.

"Dear PR, thank you for the invite to 'Vogue's Fashion Night Party' although have you ever had a look at me? Have you? Dear Credit Expert, shove off. Dear Amazon, you can shove off too. Dear Features Editor, I'm afraid I'm much too busy for any ideas that might mean I have to get up early, or leave the house, or do any kind of work. And Max Gentleman, if it is you again, I've just checked with my husband who insists he is perfectly content with the size of his penis, which is a shame, but what can you do?"

That should cover it, I hope.