Deborah Ross: First find your exam-facing teenager...

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, and because I feel like it, and because this is my column and I can do what I like with it – I could turn it into a rocket and fly to the moon, if I wanted; I could bake it into a cake and eat it, if I so fancied – I have decided to give you a recipe today, and it's a recipe for How To Get In The Face Of A Teenager Who Has An Exam Tomorrow But You Wouldn't Know It.

You will need: An exasperated air; a nagging tone of voice; a jabbing finger; a copy of Paradise Lost (or similar. Wuthering Heights works just as well, as does The Tempest).

Directions: Turn oven up to max as you may want to put your head in it. Alternatively, you may want to put the teenager's head in it. It's best to have it pre-heated, either way. Now, interrupt your teenager who, chances are, got up at noon and is sprawled on the sofa watching TV. Alternatively, he may be on his PlayStation or doing something furtive on the internet which could be anything, although it's unlikely to be an Ocado shop. Next, using the exasperated air, ask something along the lines of: "Haven't you got English tomorrow?" If he comes back with "take a chill pill, Mum" do not. Chilling will ruin the flavour of the fight to come. Instead, bring yourself to a simmer, and add the nagging voice – John Lewis do good nagging voices, as do Debenhams – while brandishing Paradise Lost (or similar) and saying: "Shouldn't you be reading this?"

You may then wish to stir in any of the following: "They are not going to test you on doing furtive stuff on the internet, you know"; "do you want to end up washing dishes?" and "Do you think Milton wrote Paradise Lost just so you could call it 'a poor book, yo'? Do you think he had The Wire in mind in 1667?" By this time, you may have reached boiling point. You will know you have reached boiling point when you take out your jabbing finger. Delia recommends the index finger, but any will do. March across the room and turn off TV/PlayStation/computer, which he will immediately turn on again. Finally, place your head in the oven, or his. This is always a matter of personal taste.

This is an excellent spring/summer recipe, although if the teenager has to do retakes, which is now looking likely, it can easily be reheated in January and every six months thereafter.

(Next week, I shall be turning my column into a horse, and entering a rodeo. Yee-ha!)

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Reach Volunteering: Financial Trustee and Company Secretary

Voluntary Only - Expenses Reimbursed: Reach Volunteering: A trustee (company d...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Project Manager

£45000 - £65000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Shopfitter

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join a successful an...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Sales Account Manager

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Digital Sales Account Manager...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Bob Geldof  

Ebola is a political AND a medical disease

Paul Vallely
 

I've tried reason, but my cat is pig-ignorant

Dom Joly
Mau Mau uprising: Kenyans still waiting for justice join class action over Britain's role in the emergency

Kenyans still waiting for justice over Mau Mau uprising

Thousands join class action over Britain's role in the emergency
Isis in Iraq: The trauma of the last six months has overwhelmed the remaining Christians in the country

The last Christians in Iraq

After 2,000 years, a community will try anything – including pretending to convert to Islam – to avoid losing everything, says Patrick Cockburn
Black Friday: Helpful discounts for Christmas shoppers, or cynical marketing by desperate retailers?

Helpful discounts for Christmas shoppers, or cynical marketing by desperate retailers?

Britain braced for Black Friday
Bill Cosby's persona goes from America's dad to date-rape drugs

From America's dad to date-rape drugs

Stories of Bill Cosby's alleged sexual assaults may have circulated widely in Hollywood, but they came as a shock to fans, says Rupert Cornwell
Clare Balding: 'Women's sport is kicking off at last'

Clare Balding: 'Women's sport is kicking off at last'

As fans flock to see England women's Wembley debut against Germany, the TV presenter on an exciting 'sea change'
Oh come, all ye multi-faithful: The Christmas jumper is in fashion, but should you wear your religion on your sleeve?

Oh come, all ye multi-faithful

The Christmas jumper is in fashion, but should you wear your religion on your sleeve?
Dr Charles Heatley: The GP off to do battle in the war against Ebola

The GP off to do battle in the war against Ebola

Dr Charles Heatley on joining the NHS volunteers' team bound for Sierra Leone
Flogging vlogging: First video bloggers conquered YouTube. Now they want us to buy their books

Flogging vlogging

First video bloggers conquered YouTube. Now they want us to buy their books
Saturday Night Live vs The Daily Show: US channels wage comedy star wars

Saturday Night Live vs The Daily Show

US channels wage comedy star wars
When is a wine made in Piedmont not a Piemonte wine? When EU rules make Italian vineyards invisible

When is a wine made in Piedmont not a Piemonte wine?

When EU rules make Italian vineyards invisible
Look what's mushrooming now! Meat-free recipes and food scandals help one growing sector

Look what's mushrooming now!

Meat-free recipes and food scandals help one growing sector
Neil Findlay is more a pink shrimp than a red firebrand

More a pink shrimp than a red firebrand

The vilification of the potential Scottish Labour leader Neil Findlay shows how one-note politics is today, says DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Tenderstem broccoli omelette; Fried eggs with Mexican-style tomato and chilli sauce; Pan-fried cavolo nero with soft-boiled egg

Oeuf quake

Bill Granger's cracking egg recipes
Terry Venables: Wayne Rooney is roaring again and the world knows that England are back

Terry Venables column

Wayne Rooney is roaring again and the world knows that England are back
Michael Calvin: Abject leadership is allowing football’s age-old sores to fester

Abject leadership is allowing football’s age-old sores to fester

Those at the top are allowing the same issues to go unchallenged, says Michael Calvin