If you ask me, owing to the huge interest in celebrity babies whose photos are published all over the tabloids and whatnot, week in, week out, I have decided to start a magazine called Celebrity Baby!, a one-stop shop to keep you up to date with all celebrity baby news, from the first ultrasound scan through to CCTV stills of, say, little Suri Cruise tottering about in heels.
Celebrity babies are, of course, much more fascinating than ordinary babies even though they don't do anything other babies don't. As Beyoncé's Blue Ivy told us in an exclusive interview for the first issue: "I don't juggle. I can't make origami swans. Still, it could have been worse, I could have been called Shit Face." And other items in the first issue include:
A heated debate on whether little girls should be allowed to wear heels? ("Yes," says Howard Jacobson; "No," says Robert Fisk.)
A special focus on Jennifer Aniston, who may have a celebrity baby one day.
Liz Jones on cats as babies and how to get back your pre-cat figure.
Kerry Katona on having a non-celebrity baby by mistake: "Where's the cash and OK! spread in that? Everyone's right. I am stupid."
Someone from Hollyoaks presenting new born someone or other.
Amanda Holden on how she nearly died having a baby, but didn't.
A vox pop on Harper Beckham's outfit today (on trend, or not?).
A series of experts on whether Wills and Kate plan to have a baby soon. ("Yes," says Owen Jones; "No," says Laurie Penny.)
Una Healy from The Saturdays' first walk in the sunshine with baby Aoife... do we care? (You decide.)
An exclusive with Denise Van Outen, who confesses: "I carry on like the first woman to ever have a baby, and got a whole book out of it."
An exclusive with Myleene Klass, who confesses: "Me too!"
We hope you will purchase and enjoy Celebrity Baby!, which will also be offering competitions to win a celebrity baby – Paris Hilton's, probably; as soon as she's had one she's bound to leave it behind somewhere soon enough. However, we will not be featuring Kerry Katona's non-celebrity baby because, as she told us quite expressly but with her trademark good humour: "I'd rather not be reminded, thanks!" That said, it's not too big a problem because, "I keep it chained in the yard and just throw it meat every now and then."
If you have a celebrity baby story to sell, please call the Celebrity Baby! newsdesk. Your call will be treated with the utmost confidence unless we are taken over by News International, in which case we will shop you to the relevant authorities at the drop of a hat.