Deborah Ross: 'From now on I’m not leaving my cave, unless it’s to hog the remote control or laugh at a cape'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, the recent neuroscience research showing that the brains of men and woman are exactly the same, and not in fact genetically pre-wired in any Mars and Venus kind of way, may be good news, and may be bad news, but either way, ever since I heard it I've been sitting in my cave and refusing to come out even once unless it's to hog the remote control, stack the dishwasher in the most irritating way – "THE BOWLS DO NOT GO THERE!" – or to say clueless things about fashion, like: "Capes. What are they all about?"

Occasionally, my teenage son will poke his head into my cave and ask: "What's for dinner, mum?" to which I will reply: "I haven't the faintest, darling, and can't you see I'm in my cave, and must therefore not be disturbed or called upon to do anything useful or handy, like cook dinner or change the light bulb no one else can reach without standing on the old stool, and so risking death? Now, be off with you; although not before bringing me the remote control, so I can hog it. Or a cape, so that I can laugh at it."

My husband, who is also fond of his dinner, has had a try too, but with no more luck. "I'm sorry," I had to say to him. "But I'm not budging. I like my cave. It is a nice cave. No, you can't come into my cave. When you had a cave, did you ever let me in? Didn't I beg and plead? Didn't I say: 'Please, can't I come in if only for 10 minutes every other Tuesday? Or at least every month?' But you said: 'No! This cave is for men from Mars!' And: 'Venus, you are not welcome here! Take your daft cape and do not darken the door of my cave ever again!' ".

Well, I think, sonny boy, you must accept that your Mars days are over, that the good times stop here, that bowls always go on the upper rack, that capes are totally A/W 2010, and that henceforth I'm going to be caved-up, so to speak, for the foreseeable future, as well as for the unforeseeable one. I don't know how my husband and son will feel about all this but can tell you I feel ... damn, I just don't know how to say it. Emotions: it's always just such a struggle to express them, isn't it?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Grad / Trainee / Experienced Recruitment Consultant - Oil & Gas

£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £35,000. : SThree: Recruitment is a sales role...

Associate Recrutiment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: SThree Group have been well ...

Science Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Bristol: Teacher of Science KS3-4 for fixed ter...

Teaching Assistants needed in Salford

£12000 - £14400 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Are you an...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Retail store Joy has sparked a social media backlash with its response to a customer who said one of its cards is offensive to people with bipolar  

Hey Joy, mocking people with bipolar isn't funny — it's offensive

Ellabell Risbridger
 

Ed Miliband is so scared of becoming Tony Blair he has forgotten how to communicate

Lance Price
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments