Deborah Ross: Gay marriage and the Apocalypse – you have been warned

If You Ask Me: Wicked Denmark was engulfed by a tempest of those traditional family values

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I hate to say I told you so – much as it always gives me satisfaction – but haven't I said all along that if same-sex marriages were ever legalised, the moral universe would implode, the world as we know it would end, and we'd all be tipped into hell and oblivion for all eternity? Didn't I? And hasn't this proved to be so? Hasn't it?

In fact, moments after Stig Elling married his partner Steen Andersen in a Copenhagen church last Saturday under new Danish laws allowing such a ceremony, didn't the citizens of Copenhagen hear a low rumbling sound, followed by a terrifying ripping as Church ruptured from State, "traditional family values" were torn asunder, frogs rained down, locusts swarmed, loins were smited, and satanic, skeletal creatures, with teeth like jagged shards of glass, tore humans limb from limb before feasting greedily on their organs?

"I knew what this was from the instant I first heard the low rumbling and a traditional family value, whipped up by the wind, struck me viciously in the side of the face," said one citizen. "I thought: Cheers, Stig and Steen. You just couldn't carry on living together, could you? You had to stand up and insist on being treated equally before God and the law, and now I'm about to get my heart ripped out, and feasted upon? Great. Thanks a lot. You've blown it for all of us."

And wasn't this all as predicted in Deuteronomy? As in: "And the Lord sayeth if man marryeth man and receiveth equal rights to one day looketh at that man over breakfast and realiseth they have nothing left to sayeth to each other, the Lord's wrath will be fearsome?"

The Danish Prime Minister, Helle Thorning-Schmidt, appealed for calm and attempted to appease God – "Oh, Lord, why didn't we listen? Oh, Lord, forgive Stig and Steen, who could have just lived together, the big sillies!" – but it was too late. The earth cleaved and mountains tumbled into the sea as the citizens were flung into a bottomless pit of darkness for all eternity, and all of Denmark was engulfed by fire and brimstone and a tempest of those traditional family values, which can slice an ear off, if you are not careful.

Alas, Denmark is now no more; just a gap in the North Sea where it used to be, with only the occasional surface bubbling to show where it once was, and only continued sales of The Killing box set and Lego, as long as stocks last, to prove it ever even existed. And some people say allowing gay marriages won't make a blind bit of a difference; that pleading "Christian values" and "family values" is only a smokescreen for homophobia. Honestly, what a joke.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Bookkeeper

£23000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This small, friendly, proactive...

Recruitment Genius: Photographic Event Crew

£14500 - £22800 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developers - .NET / ASP.NET / WebAPI / JavaScript

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Software Developer is required to join a lea...

Austen Lloyd: Corporate Tax Solicitor - City

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: A first rate opportunity to join a top ranking...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

After Savile, we must devote our energies to stopping the child abuse taking place now

Mary Dejevsky
A ‘hugely irritated’ Sir Malcolm Rifkind on his way home from Parliament on Monday  

Before rushing to criticise Malcolm Rifkind, do you know how much being an MP can cost?

Isabel Hardman
HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

Time to play God

Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

MacGyver returns, but with a difference

Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

Tunnel renaissance

Why cities are hiding roads underground
'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

Boys to men

The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

Crufts 2015

Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
10 best projectors

How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

Monaco: the making of Wenger

Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

Homage or plagiarism?

'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower