Deborah Ross: Gay marriage and the Apocalypse – you have been warned

If You Ask Me: Wicked Denmark was engulfed by a tempest of those traditional family values

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If you ask me, I hate to say I told you so – much as it always gives me satisfaction – but haven't I said all along that if same-sex marriages were ever legalised, the moral universe would implode, the world as we know it would end, and we'd all be tipped into hell and oblivion for all eternity? Didn't I? And hasn't this proved to be so? Hasn't it?

In fact, moments after Stig Elling married his partner Steen Andersen in a Copenhagen church last Saturday under new Danish laws allowing such a ceremony, didn't the citizens of Copenhagen hear a low rumbling sound, followed by a terrifying ripping as Church ruptured from State, "traditional family values" were torn asunder, frogs rained down, locusts swarmed, loins were smited, and satanic, skeletal creatures, with teeth like jagged shards of glass, tore humans limb from limb before feasting greedily on their organs?

"I knew what this was from the instant I first heard the low rumbling and a traditional family value, whipped up by the wind, struck me viciously in the side of the face," said one citizen. "I thought: Cheers, Stig and Steen. You just couldn't carry on living together, could you? You had to stand up and insist on being treated equally before God and the law, and now I'm about to get my heart ripped out, and feasted upon? Great. Thanks a lot. You've blown it for all of us."

And wasn't this all as predicted in Deuteronomy? As in: "And the Lord sayeth if man marryeth man and receiveth equal rights to one day looketh at that man over breakfast and realiseth they have nothing left to sayeth to each other, the Lord's wrath will be fearsome?"

The Danish Prime Minister, Helle Thorning-Schmidt, appealed for calm and attempted to appease God – "Oh, Lord, why didn't we listen? Oh, Lord, forgive Stig and Steen, who could have just lived together, the big sillies!" – but it was too late. The earth cleaved and mountains tumbled into the sea as the citizens were flung into a bottomless pit of darkness for all eternity, and all of Denmark was engulfed by fire and brimstone and a tempest of those traditional family values, which can slice an ear off, if you are not careful.

Alas, Denmark is now no more; just a gap in the North Sea where it used to be, with only the occasional surface bubbling to show where it once was, and only continued sales of The Killing box set and Lego, as long as stocks last, to prove it ever even existed. And some people say allowing gay marriages won't make a blind bit of a difference; that pleading "Christian values" and "family values" is only a smokescreen for homophobia. Honestly, what a joke.

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