Deborah Ross: Happy Birthday! But I'm still going out like this

If you ask me...
  • @deborahross

If you ask me, I am determined to make my fortune this year and, as such, have decided to enter the greeting card business. I have decided on this because, many a time, I have handed over a fiver for one such card and held out my hand for change, only to discover there isn't any, so there has to be a ton of easy money in it.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the greeting card industry already has every conceivable occasion covered – including, I recently noted, "Mazel tov On Passing Your Driving Test", should you happen to know a Jewish new driver, and wish to extend your congratulations – but I think I have discovered a gap in the market. Cards from teenagers to their parents which will not only detract from the joy of any occasion, but have been specifically designed to provoke.

Now, I know what you are also thinking. You are thinking teenagers are famously stingy when it comes to spending money on others, as this is money that could otherwise be deployed in Topshop on yet more tat for themselves, or Accessorize on yet more tat for themselves, or Urban Outfitters for yet more tat for themselves of the costlier kind, or on Bacardi Breezers, so they have something to vomit up on the landing when they finally get in, but I think they will find these cards so up their street they will not be able to resist.

So I have been working hard on my range, which, I am delighted to announce, already includes the following: "Happy Birthday, But I'm Still Going Out Looking Like This"; "Wishing You Every Happiness On This Special Day, Although I Will Continue To Ask: How Come Alex's Mum Let's Him Stay Out Until 2am?" and "Another Year Older, Yet Just As Stupid" as well as "Another Year Older, Now Get Out My Face". ("Another Year Older, Now Ruin My Life, Why Don't You?", is planned for later in the year.)

I have also designed a range of cards not linked to any particular occasion, and fine for any time of the year when provocation might be the sole purpose. As it stands, these now include: "Reading Is Such A Waste of Time"; "What Is The Point of Art?"; "I'll Clean It Up Later"; "Old People Are Idiots"; "Who Cares About Physics Anyway"; "I Wasn't There When the Homework Was Set. I Wasn't!" and "Maybe I Want To Wash Dishes. Had You Thought Of That?".

I'll be very surprised if these cards don't, in fact, sell out. Something to detract joy and further provoke in a hitherto unavailable form? Teenagers are going to go mad for it, I think.