Deborah Ross: Here's how to make the streets safer

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I am excited about the Government's launch of "e-petitions" which gives us, the public, the chance to actually influence policy instead of lying in bed until lunchtime, which can be tempting if you have no policy to influence. Even those who occasionally feel like shooting out of bed early are soon brought up short by the thought: "Hang on, I have no policy to influence. I am wholly impotent in this regard. What's the point?"

And it couldn't be easier. All you have to do is visit the website, create ane-petition, and if that e-petition receives 100,000 signatures, it will be eligible for debate in the House of Commons. I have already been to the site, and have created the following e-petitions, which I hope you will sign:

* Deborah Meaden will be forbidden from introducing herself with: "Hello, I'm Deborah..." to every new entrant to the Dragon's Den. (Deborah, we know you are Deborah. It is no surprise. It is not even an attractive name, or one that fares well with continual repetition. I, for example, would prefer to be called Julia. Or Katie.)

* Violent rioters and looters will be required to break up that top-to-toe Adidas look with statement pieces from Zara, Gap or Uniqlo, if only to give us something a little different to gaze at when we're watching Sky News at 3am.

* To make the streets safer, there will be zero tolerance shown towards teenagers in general and, in particular, those who, for example, are 16 one year and 17 the next. (This sounds harsh, but how are they going to learn otherwise?)

* All telephone cold callers must leave a home number so you can call them back when they are having their dinner.

* All cinemas must offer a special "squeamish rate" and appropriate discounts. For example, I have only ever seen 10 per cent of a Quentin Tarantino film, and yet am always expected to pay the full price. How can this be fair?

* Bendy buses should all become even bendier, if only to annoy Boris.

* Any person who steals your parking spot can be taken to the nearest open space and beaten with a branch that can be a lot wider than your thumb, if you so fancy. Actually, I do not know how offenders in any of the above instances will be punished, but how about hanging? Only kidding. No one in their right mind would put their signature to that. Don't be silly. Are you mad?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

General Cover Teacher

£120 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Luton: Are you looking for part time/ ...

SEN (SLD/PMLD) Teacher

£120 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: Are you a quailed Teacher ...

General Cover Teacher

£120 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Luton: Currently looking for teachers ...

SEN Teaching Assistant Runcorn

£50 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: SEN Teaching Assistant EBD , Septemb...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Theresa May  

It's not hard to imagine Prime Minister Theresa May standing on the steps of Downing Street

Jane Merrick
 

Karl Lagerfeld's latest Chanel show might have dressed itself up in feminism, but it was more embarrassing than empowering

Mark Izatt
Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?
Why do we like making lists?

Notes to self: Why do we like making lists?

Well it was good enough for Ancient Egyptians and Picasso...
Hong Kong protests: A good time to open a new restaurant?

A good time to open a new restaurant in Hong Kong?

As pro-democracy demonstrators hold firm, chef Rowley Leigh, who's in the city to open a new restaurant, says you couldn't hope to meet a nicer bunch
Paris Fashion Week: Karl Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'

Paris Fashion Week

Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'
Bruce Chatwin's Wales: One of the finest one-day walks in Britain

Simon Calder discovers Bruce Chatwin's Wales

One of the finest one-day walks you could hope for - in Britain
10 best children's nightwear

10 best children's nightwear

Make sure the kids stay cosy on cooler autumn nights in this selection of pjs, onesies and nighties
Manchester City vs Roma: Five things we learnt from City’s draw at the Etihad

Manchester City vs Roma

Five things we learnt from City’s Champions League draw at the Etihad
Martin Hardy: Mike Ashley must act now and end the Alan Pardew reign

Trouble on the Tyne

Ashley must act now and end Pardew's reign at Newcastle, says Martin Hardy
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?