Deborah Ross: Here's how to make the streets safer

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I am excited about the Government's launch of "e-petitions" which gives us, the public, the chance to actually influence policy instead of lying in bed until lunchtime, which can be tempting if you have no policy to influence. Even those who occasionally feel like shooting out of bed early are soon brought up short by the thought: "Hang on, I have no policy to influence. I am wholly impotent in this regard. What's the point?"

And it couldn't be easier. All you have to do is visit the website, create ane-petition, and if that e-petition receives 100,000 signatures, it will be eligible for debate in the House of Commons. I have already been to the site, and have created the following e-petitions, which I hope you will sign:

* Deborah Meaden will be forbidden from introducing herself with: "Hello, I'm Deborah..." to every new entrant to the Dragon's Den. (Deborah, we know you are Deborah. It is no surprise. It is not even an attractive name, or one that fares well with continual repetition. I, for example, would prefer to be called Julia. Or Katie.)

* Violent rioters and looters will be required to break up that top-to-toe Adidas look with statement pieces from Zara, Gap or Uniqlo, if only to give us something a little different to gaze at when we're watching Sky News at 3am.

* To make the streets safer, there will be zero tolerance shown towards teenagers in general and, in particular, those who, for example, are 16 one year and 17 the next. (This sounds harsh, but how are they going to learn otherwise?)

* All telephone cold callers must leave a home number so you can call them back when they are having their dinner.

* All cinemas must offer a special "squeamish rate" and appropriate discounts. For example, I have only ever seen 10 per cent of a Quentin Tarantino film, and yet am always expected to pay the full price. How can this be fair?

* Bendy buses should all become even bendier, if only to annoy Boris.

* Any person who steals your parking spot can be taken to the nearest open space and beaten with a branch that can be a lot wider than your thumb, if you so fancy. Actually, I do not know how offenders in any of the above instances will be punished, but how about hanging? Only kidding. No one in their right mind would put their signature to that. Don't be silly. Are you mad?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: English Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: My client is an excellent, large partially ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Science Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: I am currently working in partnersh...

Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Primary Teacher

£100 - £150 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Teacher Birmingham Jan 2015...

Ashdown Group: Lead Web Developer (ASP.NET, C#) - City of London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + Excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Lead Web Develo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Science versus religion in the three-parent baby debate

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Kylie has helped to boost viewing figures for the talent show  

When an Aussie calls you a ‘bastard’, you know you’ve arrived

Howard Jacobson
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee