Deborah Ross: Horoscopes don't come better than this

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, which you will persist in doing – don't you have anyone else to ask?; doesn't it ever occur to you I might have better things to do? – now is the time to put forward the second part of my 2011 horoscopes. This comes to you via the planets which, you would think, also had better things to do, but as Saturn recently commented: "If I didn't have to shift about to indicate whether this was a good week for closing business deals or reading a book in the bath without dropping it, I'd just aimlessly mooch about all day. I have a lot to thank astrology for." Now, here you are:

Libra: With Mercury shifting from retrograde to Belgrade, where it keeps a small serviced flat with city views, you will find yourself keen to step up your relationship with a certain, special someone. Should he prove reluctant and say he isn't "ready" for the next stage, threaten him with a wooden bat. "This should gee him up nicely," says Mercury, adding: "Now, might I be left alone? I've got a river trip to take up the Danube this morning, then I'm touring the old cathedral this afternoon."

Scorpio: As this is the sign that rules Nectar Cards and it's in ascendant, 2011 could be the year of extra points; perhaps even enough for a complimentary glass of wine with a meal of your choice at any Berni Inn.

Sagittarius: No word at all, I'm afraid. Not one jot of advice. In fact, the Stars just scurry away at your very mention. I'd stay put and not do very much for most of the year, if I were you. You may kill time by taking naps and looking longingly out the window.

Capricorn: At last, all the stars are in alignment for you to climb that company ladder in earnest. However, before doing so do check that 1) you work for a company and 2) that company has a ladder, otherwise you could make a fool of yourself.

Aquarius: As next year will be the year when Aries finally takes tea at the Sixth House of Aquarius, your health will remain good, unless you get ill, in which case: bummer.

Pisces: Persons born under Pisces are extremely fishy, and although you will generally have a favourable year and not drop your book in the bath, you will still be deemed unsuitable for working with children. Sorry.

(For more in-depth forecasts call our premium phone line which, I can confidently predict, will cost an arm and a leg and the respect of all the friends you would have if you had any friends, and could ask them stuff instead).

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Online Advertising Account Executive , St Pauls , London

£26K-30k + Bonus, Private Medical Insurance, Company Pension: Charter Selectio...

Advertising Account Executive - Online, Central London

£25K-28k + Bonus, Private Medical Insurance, Company Pension: Charter Selectio...

Senior Infrastructure Consultant

£50000 - £65000 Per Annum potentially flexible for the right candidate: Clearw...

Public Sector Audit - Bristol

£38000 per annum + Benefits: Pro-Recruitment Group: Do you have experience of ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Wages are on the rise (so long as you skew the figures)

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
 

It’s two decades since ‘education, education, education’, but still Britain’s primary school admissions are a farce

Jane Merrick
Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail. If you think it's awful, then just don't watch it'

Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail'

As the second series of his divisive sitcom 'Derek' hits screens, the comedian tells James Rampton why he'll never bow to the critics who habitually circle his work
Mad Men series 7, TV review: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge

Mad Men returns for a final fling

The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground as there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit

Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground

Technology giant’s scientists say there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit
Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics

Is sexual harassment a fact of gay life?

Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics
Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith: The man behind a British success story

Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith

Acton Smith launched a world of virtual creatures who took the real world by storm
Kim Jong-un's haircut: The Independent heads to Ealing to try out the dictator's do

Our journalist tries out Kim Jong-un's haircut

The North Korean embassy in London complained when M&M Hair Academy used Kim Jong-un's image in the window. Curious, Guy Pewsey heads to the hair salon and surrenders to the clippers
A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A forgotten naval victory in which even Nature played a part

A History of the First World War in 100 moments

A forgotten naval victory in which even Nature played a part
Vespa rides on with launch of Primavera: Iconic Italian scooter still revving up millions of sales

Vespa rides on with launch of the Primavera

The Vespa has been a style icon since the 1950s and the release this month of its latest model confirms it has lost little of its lustre
Record Store Day: Independent music shops can offer a tempting alternative to downloads

Record Store Day celebrates independent music shops

This Saturday sees a host of events around the country to champion the sellers of well-grooved wax
Taunton's policy of putting philosophy at heart of its curriculum is one of secrets of its success

Education: Secret of Taunton's success

Taunton School, in Somerset, is one of the country's leading independent schools, says Richard Garner
10 best smartphones

10 best smartphones

With a number of new smartphones on the market, we round up the best around, including some more established models
Mickey Arthur: Aussie tells ECB to stick with Ashley Giles

Mickey Arthur: Aussie tells ECB to stick with Ashley Giles

The former Australia coach on why England must keep to Plan A, about his shock at their collapse Down Under, why he sent players home from India and the agonies of losing his job
Homelessness: Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Zubairi Sentongo swapped poverty in Uganda for homelessness in Britain. But a YMCA scheme connected him with a couple offering warmth and shelter
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park
The pain of IVF

The pain of IVF

As an Italian woman vows to keep the babies from someone else’s eggs, Julian Baggini ponders how the reality of childbirth is often messier than the natural ideal