Deborah Ross: Horoscopes don't come better than this

If you ask me...

If you ask me, which you will persist in doing – don't you have anyone else to ask?; doesn't it ever occur to you I might have better things to do? – now is the time to put forward the second part of my 2011 horoscopes. This comes to you via the planets which, you would think, also had better things to do, but as Saturn recently commented: "If I didn't have to shift about to indicate whether this was a good week for closing business deals or reading a book in the bath without dropping it, I'd just aimlessly mooch about all day. I have a lot to thank astrology for." Now, here you are:

Libra: With Mercury shifting from retrograde to Belgrade, where it keeps a small serviced flat with city views, you will find yourself keen to step up your relationship with a certain, special someone. Should he prove reluctant and say he isn't "ready" for the next stage, threaten him with a wooden bat. "This should gee him up nicely," says Mercury, adding: "Now, might I be left alone? I've got a river trip to take up the Danube this morning, then I'm touring the old cathedral this afternoon."

Scorpio: As this is the sign that rules Nectar Cards and it's in ascendant, 2011 could be the year of extra points; perhaps even enough for a complimentary glass of wine with a meal of your choice at any Berni Inn.

Sagittarius: No word at all, I'm afraid. Not one jot of advice. In fact, the Stars just scurry away at your very mention. I'd stay put and not do very much for most of the year, if I were you. You may kill time by taking naps and looking longingly out the window.

Capricorn: At last, all the stars are in alignment for you to climb that company ladder in earnest. However, before doing so do check that 1) you work for a company and 2) that company has a ladder, otherwise you could make a fool of yourself.

Aquarius: As next year will be the year when Aries finally takes tea at the Sixth House of Aquarius, your health will remain good, unless you get ill, in which case: bummer.

Pisces: Persons born under Pisces are extremely fishy, and although you will generally have a favourable year and not drop your book in the bath, you will still be deemed unsuitable for working with children. Sorry.

(For more in-depth forecasts call our premium phone line which, I can confidently predict, will cost an arm and a leg and the respect of all the friends you would have if you had any friends, and could ask them stuff instead).