Deborah Ross: Horoscopes don't come better than this

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, which you will persist in doing – don't you have anyone else to ask?; doesn't it ever occur to you I might have better things to do? – now is the time to put forward the second part of my 2011 horoscopes. This comes to you via the planets which, you would think, also had better things to do, but as Saturn recently commented: "If I didn't have to shift about to indicate whether this was a good week for closing business deals or reading a book in the bath without dropping it, I'd just aimlessly mooch about all day. I have a lot to thank astrology for." Now, here you are:

Libra: With Mercury shifting from retrograde to Belgrade, where it keeps a small serviced flat with city views, you will find yourself keen to step up your relationship with a certain, special someone. Should he prove reluctant and say he isn't "ready" for the next stage, threaten him with a wooden bat. "This should gee him up nicely," says Mercury, adding: "Now, might I be left alone? I've got a river trip to take up the Danube this morning, then I'm touring the old cathedral this afternoon."

Scorpio: As this is the sign that rules Nectar Cards and it's in ascendant, 2011 could be the year of extra points; perhaps even enough for a complimentary glass of wine with a meal of your choice at any Berni Inn.

Sagittarius: No word at all, I'm afraid. Not one jot of advice. In fact, the Stars just scurry away at your very mention. I'd stay put and not do very much for most of the year, if I were you. You may kill time by taking naps and looking longingly out the window.

Capricorn: At last, all the stars are in alignment for you to climb that company ladder in earnest. However, before doing so do check that 1) you work for a company and 2) that company has a ladder, otherwise you could make a fool of yourself.

Aquarius: As next year will be the year when Aries finally takes tea at the Sixth House of Aquarius, your health will remain good, unless you get ill, in which case: bummer.

Pisces: Persons born under Pisces are extremely fishy, and although you will generally have a favourable year and not drop your book in the bath, you will still be deemed unsuitable for working with children. Sorry.

(For more in-depth forecasts call our premium phone line which, I can confidently predict, will cost an arm and a leg and the respect of all the friends you would have if you had any friends, and could ask them stuff instead).

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application Developer

£30000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Service Engineers - Doncaster / Hull

£27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Domestic Service Only Engineers are requ...

Recruitment Genius: Employability / Recruitment Adviser

£23600 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Employability Service withi...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

South Africa's race problem is less between black and white than between poor blacks and immigrants from sub-Saharan Africa

John Carlin
Queen Elizabeth II with members of the Order of Merit  

Either the Queen thinks that only one in 24 Britons are women, or her Order of Merit is appallingly backward

Janet Street-Porter
Where the spooks get their coffee fix: The busiest Starbucks in the US is also the most secretive

The secret CIA Starbucks

The coffee shop is deep inside the agency's forested Virginia compound
Revealed: How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Loch Ness Monster 'sighting'

How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Nessie 'sighting'

The Natural History Museum's chief scientist was dismissed for declaring he had found the monster
One million Britons using food banks, according to Trussell Trust

One million Britons using food banks

Huge surge in number of families dependent on emergency food aid
Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths 2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths trove
The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey, 25 years on

The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey 25 years on

The space telescope was seen as a costly flop on its first release
Did Conservative peer Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

Did Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

A document seen by The Independent shows that a week after he resigned from the Lords he sold 350,000 shares in an American company - netting him $11.2m
Apple's ethnic emojis are being used to make racist comments on social media

Ethnic emojis used in racist comments

They were intended to promote harmony, but have achieved the opposite
Sir Kenneth Branagh interview: 'My bones are in the theatre'

Sir Kenneth Branagh: 'My bones are in the theatre'

The actor-turned-director’s new company will stage five plays from October – including works by Shakespeare and John Osborne
The sloth is now the face (and furry body) of three big advertising campaigns

The sloth is the face of three ad campaigns

Priya Elan discovers why slow and sleepy wins the race for brands in need of a new image
How to run a restaurant: As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food

How to run a restaurant

As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food
Record Store Day: Remembering an era when buying and selling discs were labours of love

Record Store Day: The vinyl countdown

For Lois Pryce, working in a record shop was a dream job - until the bean counters ruined it
Usher, Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert as part of the Global Poverty Project

Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert

The concert in Washington is part of the Global Citizen project, which aims to encourage young people to donate to charity
10 best tote bags

Accessorise with a stylish shopper this spring: 10 best tote bags

We find carriers with room for all your essentials (and a bit more)
Paul Scholes column: I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England

Paul Scholes column

I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England
Jessica Ennis-Hill: 'I just want to give it my best shot'

Jessica Ennis-Hill: 'I just want to give it my best shot'

The heptathlete has gone from the toast of the nation to being a sleep-deprived mum - but she’s ready to compete again. She just doesn't know how well she'll do...