Deborah Ross: Horoscopes don't come better than this

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, which you will persist in doing – don't you have anyone else to ask?; doesn't it ever occur to you I might have better things to do? – now is the time to put forward the second part of my 2011 horoscopes. This comes to you via the planets which, you would think, also had better things to do, but as Saturn recently commented: "If I didn't have to shift about to indicate whether this was a good week for closing business deals or reading a book in the bath without dropping it, I'd just aimlessly mooch about all day. I have a lot to thank astrology for." Now, here you are:

Libra: With Mercury shifting from retrograde to Belgrade, where it keeps a small serviced flat with city views, you will find yourself keen to step up your relationship with a certain, special someone. Should he prove reluctant and say he isn't "ready" for the next stage, threaten him with a wooden bat. "This should gee him up nicely," says Mercury, adding: "Now, might I be left alone? I've got a river trip to take up the Danube this morning, then I'm touring the old cathedral this afternoon."

Scorpio: As this is the sign that rules Nectar Cards and it's in ascendant, 2011 could be the year of extra points; perhaps even enough for a complimentary glass of wine with a meal of your choice at any Berni Inn.

Sagittarius: No word at all, I'm afraid. Not one jot of advice. In fact, the Stars just scurry away at your very mention. I'd stay put and not do very much for most of the year, if I were you. You may kill time by taking naps and looking longingly out the window.

Capricorn: At last, all the stars are in alignment for you to climb that company ladder in earnest. However, before doing so do check that 1) you work for a company and 2) that company has a ladder, otherwise you could make a fool of yourself.

Aquarius: As next year will be the year when Aries finally takes tea at the Sixth House of Aquarius, your health will remain good, unless you get ill, in which case: bummer.

Pisces: Persons born under Pisces are extremely fishy, and although you will generally have a favourable year and not drop your book in the bath, you will still be deemed unsuitable for working with children. Sorry.

(For more in-depth forecasts call our premium phone line which, I can confidently predict, will cost an arm and a leg and the respect of all the friends you would have if you had any friends, and could ask them stuff instead).

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Senior Research Fellow in Gender, Food and Resilient Communities

£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker