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Deborah Ross: If you ask me... (27/10/11)


If you ask me, ever since I launched my 24-hour hotline for middle-class emergencies the phone has been ringing off the hook not just at our London premises – which, obviously, we paid over the odds for to be near a decent school – but also at our place in the country which is only small, but it's good to get out of the city every now and then. Here are some more of the anguished inquiries we have received:

Help, isn't it about time someone informed the restaurant chain Giraffe that the dot-to-dot on their placemats just isn't stretching our children enough?

Help, is it OK to like Miranda Hart, but not totally love her?

Help, I didn't want a Labradoodle, or Cockerpoo, so will be shortly taking receipt of a Shih Tzu crossed with a Poodle but now I have to tell everybody I own a Shit-Poo*?

Help, I thought I'd vetted all my son's friends but one has slipped though whose mother appears to have tattoos. How can I eject him from my son's friendship circle without causing offence and getting beaten up?

Help, I can't afford a 4x4 but if I blacken the windows of my old Nissan Micra and double-park wherever I so fancy, will this cut it?

Help, I've witnessed my neighbours taking someone into their house under a cloak at 5pm every Thursday, and out again at 6pm. Might this be a tutor they don't want me to know about?

Help, how do you put people off visiting when you have nothing exotic in the fruit bowl?

Help, why does my teenage son insist on wearing jeans half-way down his arse when he knows I am always willing to buy him properly fitted chinos from Gap?

Help, I was about to make baba ganoush with carrot sticks for my daughter's packed lunch but then realised I should get a life so palmed her off with a Kit-Kat and crisps. Do you think I might be coming down with something? Should I have just injected poison directly into her veins, and got it over with?

Help, why does my teenage daughter dress like a cheap slut when she knows I would happily take her to M&S or Monsoon any day of the week?

Help, as I felt a frisson of satisfaction when I read some Bugaboos had to be recalled due to safety issues, what kind of beast does this make me?

Help, I couldn't be bothered with The Wire or The Killing so might you tell me the best place to curl up in shame?

(* Alternatively, you may wish to cross a Labradoodle with a Cockerpoo which will result in the somewhat lighter-hearted Cocker-Doodle-Poo...)