Deborah Ross: If you ask me... (27/10/11)

 

Share

If you ask me, ever since I launched my 24-hour hotline for middle-class emergencies the phone has been ringing off the hook not just at our London premises – which, obviously, we paid over the odds for to be near a decent school – but also at our place in the country which is only small, but it's good to get out of the city every now and then. Here are some more of the anguished inquiries we have received:

Help, isn't it about time someone informed the restaurant chain Giraffe that the dot-to-dot on their placemats just isn't stretching our children enough?

Help, is it OK to like Miranda Hart, but not totally love her?

Help, I didn't want a Labradoodle, or Cockerpoo, so will be shortly taking receipt of a Shih Tzu crossed with a Poodle but now I have to tell everybody I own a Shit-Poo*?

Help, I thought I'd vetted all my son's friends but one has slipped though whose mother appears to have tattoos. How can I eject him from my son's friendship circle without causing offence and getting beaten up?

Help, I can't afford a 4x4 but if I blacken the windows of my old Nissan Micra and double-park wherever I so fancy, will this cut it?

Help, I've witnessed my neighbours taking someone into their house under a cloak at 5pm every Thursday, and out again at 6pm. Might this be a tutor they don't want me to know about?

Help, how do you put people off visiting when you have nothing exotic in the fruit bowl?

Help, why does my teenage son insist on wearing jeans half-way down his arse when he knows I am always willing to buy him properly fitted chinos from Gap?

Help, I was about to make baba ganoush with carrot sticks for my daughter's packed lunch but then realised I should get a life so palmed her off with a Kit-Kat and crisps. Do you think I might be coming down with something? Should I have just injected poison directly into her veins, and got it over with?

Help, why does my teenage daughter dress like a cheap slut when she knows I would happily take her to M&S or Monsoon any day of the week?

Help, as I felt a frisson of satisfaction when I read some Bugaboos had to be recalled due to safety issues, what kind of beast does this make me?

Help, I couldn't be bothered with The Wire or The Killing so might you tell me the best place to curl up in shame?

(* Alternatively, you may wish to cross a Labradoodle with a Cockerpoo which will result in the somewhat lighter-hearted Cocker-Doodle-Poo...)

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Workshop Deputy & Production Manager

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A rare and exciting role has arisen within thi...

Recruitment Genius: HR Assistant

£14000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A vacancy has arisen for a keen...

Recruitment Genius: Finance Assistant

£14000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to expansion, this multi-ac...

Recruitment Genius: SEO Specialist

£21000 - £34000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity for an e...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: personality is so much more important than policies

John Rentoul
Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella, with her boyfriend, fellow vlogger Alfie Deyes  

If children are obese then blame food manufacturers, not Zoella

Jane Merrick
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

Italy vs England player ratings

Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

An underdog's tale of making the most of it

Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat