Deborah Ross: If you can't afford it, then it's in fashion

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, which you will persist in doing, probably because I'm wise beyond my years – according to my doctor, I am at least a decade wiser than my actual age – I think it's about time this newspaper instigated a regular More Cash Than Dash column so that we can all laugh at stupid people with too much money and thereby feel better about ourselves.

Although I am happy to take More Cash Than Dash recommendations, I would like to kick off, if I may, with the new Bugaboo "donkey" pram which costs a minimum of £1,200 and although I do not know what you get for that money exactly, I would certainly expect wi-fi, en-suite, infinity pool and a nice lady to come in morning and evening to water the plants and feed the cat*. I note, too, that the pram is "all-terrain" which is essential for why? In case you should you ever need to take your baby off-road between Whistles and JoJo Maman Bebe, or encounter black ice in Planet Organic, Muswell Hill? I'm guessing so.

There were no such prams when my son was little. Indeed, I had such a flimsy stroller that one shopping bag on the handle combined with a moment of distraction and the whole thing would go arse over tit. My son did, I admit, spend a lot of time bouncing along on his skull but no long-term hurt was done, aside from some brain damage that is barely noticeable beyond a certain slowness and lolling of the head, and as my doctor said to me: "Well, at least you saved yourself £1,200, and cannot be laughed at as a stupid person with too much money. I think you may even be 15 years wiser than your actual age. Well done!"

And my second suggestion, for now? The new Mulberry "bum-bag" which, priced at £300, proves, I think, that anything can be desirable and fashionable so long as most other people can't afford it. Next, it will be Louis Vuitton pop-socks, at £220 a throw. That said, I have always liked bum-bags. They go with my look, generally, plus are handy for keys and for money and are sometimes double-zippered for just this purpose. A word of warning, though: In America they are called fanny packs and it is never, ever wise to pack your fanny. I did it once and I couldn't get the creases out for ages, not even with the iron on "steam".

*Although you will have to buy an extra, limited-edition, £799 bag for the lady to live in, it is available in a rainbow of colours and can be attached to the pram via the built-in lady-holder.