Deborah Ross: In April, you will meet a tall dark stranger – in overalls

If you ask me: You will find love where you least expect it, but not on the hall table, which is where you thought you'd put it down
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If you ask me, it's time for my annual horoscope predictions, which I will continue to produce as long as there is money in it and a premium phone line, which, if nothing else, proves I saw you coming. These are good predictions and sound predictions, as I am exceptionally skilled in the ancient art of waffling vaguely when not stating the blindingly obvious. Here, judge for yourselves.

Aquarius: You will find love where you least expect it, but not on the hall table, which is where you thought you'd put it down. (Think, think, where did you last see it?)

Pisces: With Pluto ascendant and gas prices also rising sharply, you will generally choose to put another jumper on rather than turn up the heating. This is wise. Also, this will be an excellent year for travel, unless it isn't. You can bet your life on it.

Aries: Mars will be entering your house just in time for dinner next Tuesday, so you'd do well to add another table setting. The discovery of a new planet – to be called "The Builder" – means a taciturn man in overalls will give you an estimate and then proceed to ignore it. You'll just have to suck it up, I'm afraid.

Taurus: Still no advice from the stars for you, but stuff is bound to start happening soon. Meantime, stay put and try not to do anything at all.

Gemini: Stuff will happen this year. Some of it will be big stuff and some of it will be small stuff and some of it will be middling stuff. You can bet your life on this, too.

Cancer: This will be a good year for invading another country of your choice or, failing that, descaling the kettle and accomplishing other small household chores. From March, you can mop behind the fridge in relative safety.

Leo: With Neptune moving into your bellybutton, you may have to tease it out with a cotton bud. This will be distracting.

Virgo: The stars would dearly like to help you out but you messed up big time last year when you failed to find love, adventure, personal growth and financial success. This is a two-way street, dummy.

Libra: Your health will remain good unless you fall sick, in which case: bummer.

Scorpio: If you were born under this sign with the newly discovered planet "The Mechanic" in ascendancy, a simple MOT will amass a bill of £1,800 due to the cost of parts, love.

Sagittarius: Your hair will look nice except on the days you can't do a thing with it. Guaranteed.

Capricorn: This sign has been cancelled due to lack of space. Sorry.