Deborah Ross: Join now to find that someone who isn't the least bit special

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, and to celebrate Valentine's Day plus help singles everywhere, I would like to introduce you to my new online dating agency, notpicky.com, which I have set up especially for those who are not picky and have decided they'd better settle for whomever if they are ever going to be with anyone at all.

Or, as the bumf puts it: "Do you want to be with just about anyone? Are your standards exceptionally low? If so, you should sign up right now!"

We also have many testimonials, including this one from someone or other: "I'd almost given up hope of finding someone who wasn't in the least bit special but then I discovered notpicky.com. Now, I'm married to someone quite unremarkable whom no one else would have, just as no one else would have me. Thank you, notpicky.com!"

First, a few questions to help us establish your profile:

What is your minimum requirement in a partner?

a) A pulse but if it's weak, it's weak;

c) Hoards newspapers and food cans;

d) Dreams of setting up home in Middle-earth;

e) Sniffs pants to check they are good for another day, even though they always are;

e) Dotes on my 27 cats and only punches them in the head when stressed.

Why would you say your last relationship ended?

a) My computer crashed;

b) Can never make it to the bathroom on time;

c) Scabies;

d) An accidental blaze.

What are your hobbies?

a) Scratching my athlete's foot and exclaiming: "Ah, heaven.";

b) Engaging in phone sex while simultaneously straining on the toilet;

c) Arson;

d) Writing to my cats from prison.

How would you spend your ideal weekend?

a) Counting up my own newspapers and food cans;

b) Spending the whole two days in bed, with my parents;

c) Giving my probation officer the run-around;

d) Setting fire to stuff.

What do you consider to be your prime physical asset?

a) My remaining tooth;

b) My genitalia, which I can twist into the shape of Peggy Mount;

c) My good leg;

d) My collection of fire-starting equipment.

What are you most likely to call out during love-making?

a) "Go, Peggy, go!";

b) "We're crushing mum and dad!";

c) "Guess I didn't make it to the bathroom, again!";

d) "Fire, fire!"

When it comes to dating, what best describes your intent?

a) I am serious about meeting anyone no one else will have;

b) I am serious about meeting anyone who will have me;

c) I am serious about meeting anyone who will burn nicely.

Congratulations! We will now match you based on what you have entered here, and will find you someone who sniffs their pants and doesn't mind being set fire to. This is a great service, we are sure you'll agree. Or, as another satisfied someone or other told us: "I would recommend you to all my friends, if only I had any. Thank-you, notpicky.com!"

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