Deborah Ross: '‘I am the Stig,’ I told the whole family one day'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, it is always a sad, sad day when you discover you are not the Stig and have never been the Stig even though, for years, you thought you were. I certainly thought I was the Stig and, one time, even sat the whole family down and said: "I have something to tell you. I am the Stig". "No, you're not," said my husband. "I am," I said. "I've just done a brilliant job at disguising it until now."

"But you are terrified of motorways," he said, "and haven't driven on one for 17 years." "All part of the disguise," I said. "And you never go more than 20mph," he said. "All part of the disguise," I said. "And you accelerate while parking," he said. "Hello?" I said. "Have you been listening to what I've been saying about the disguise?"

And then my own mother started up. "But it took you seven years to pass your driving test," she said. "Mother," I said, "did you hear what I was just saying about the whole disguise business?" "And you had hundreds of lessons," she added. "I know, because I had to pay for most of them."

At this, I'm afraid I rather lost it, and said: "You know what? I don't have time to hang around arguing with losers like you. I have a busy day ahead. I'm accompanying a star in a reasonably priced car around the track and then I'm going to tea at Jeremy's with Richard and James where we may drive a Winnebago into a ditch or set fire to a Reliant Robin, just for the fun of it."

"But you have no sense of fun whatsoever," said my husband. "We can't even get you into the sea. You scream when you dip a toe in, and then run out, screaming." "All part of the disguise," I said.

And now? Now that Ben Collins, a racing driver, has been revealed as the Stig? Yes, OK, I do feel silly. Very silly indeed. But as I said to the family once I had gathered them together again: "I'm sorry I was not the Stig, but don't worry. I'll now have more time to be Banksy."

"But you can't draw..." said my mother. Disguise, mother, disguise! She just doesn't get it, does she?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Midlands

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - 3-4 Month Fixed Contract - £30-£35k pro rata

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a 3-4 month pro rata fi...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £26,000+

£16000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telesales Executive is requir...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager

£25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity to join ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Don’t pity me for eating alone, just give me a better table

Rosie Millard
Aerial view of planned third runway at Heathrow  

Heathrow expansion: This final 'conclusion' has simply fanned the airport flames

Chris Blackhurst
Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon files

Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games
Women's World Cup 2015: How England's semi-final success could do wonders for both sexes

There is more than a shiny trophy to be won by England’s World Cup women

The success of the decidedly non-famous females wearing the Three Lions could do wonders for a ‘man’s game’ riddled with cynicism and greed
How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map