Deborah Ross: My 10 tips for Michael Winner

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you were to ask me, how I was dealing with the news that Michael Winner is £9m in debt, I would tell you the truth: I'm wretched. I can't sleep nights. I toss. I turn. Alas, I can't offer to help Michael financially. I'm the sort of person who gets letters saying: "Congratulations! You've been pre-selected to never receive one of our credit cards, for now and all time." But I can offer him my top 10 cost cutting tips, all of which are useless, but at least I feel I'm doing something.

1. Have you ever thought, Michael, you might be happier living in a wood and surviving on berries and all you can trap?

2. Tell Sean Connery to put his hand in his pocket, for once.

3. Put a stop to Geraldine's shop-ping habit by tying her to a chair from 9.30am to 6pm every day.

4. Museums often have a "suggested donation" policy which means you can waltz in for free, even when you are loaded! It makes no sense, but it's true!

5. Next time Michael Caine serves you his roast potatoes - slip a couple in your pocket.

6. Get a makeover. Many beauty counters offer these for free although, Michael, be warned: you will have to sit like a complete dick on a stool. (Don't be talked into buying skin products; it's only stuff that doesn't work sold in a false bottomed jar).

7. Fancy restaurants where club sandwiches come in at £50? Take my nan with you, who will dispute the bill, and berate the manager for "picking a fight with an old lady. I am 94." You will never want to approach a fancy restaurant again.

8. Get value for money by always choosing the bagel with the smallest hole.

9. If you know someone called Peter, rob him to pay Paul. If you don't know a Paul, keep the money.

10. Check you haven't got stacks of cash in Guernsey you are borrowing against. Just think, if it turns out you have... you might not have been needlessly splash-ed all over the newspapers.