Deborah Ross: 'My hair basically always looks like it's had a good going over with an electric toothbrush'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me – and why wouldn't you, considering I am brave and true and know everything? – there simply aren't enough shampoos on the market. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking just the opposite. You are thinking: if one industry has got it all covered, it's the shampoo industry.

There is a shampoo for every colour, length and type, including fly-away, which, of course, has to be tamed – what if your hair were to fly away just before a special occasion? What then? – and ones that ease frizz, probably by talking it down: "Easy now, frizz. Easy. Steady, girl. Whoa." There are even vitamin- and mineral-enriched shampoos because, as science has repeatedly failed to prove, but what the hell, the best way to get all your vitamins and minerals is to suck them in through your scalp. (With regard to protein-enriched shampoos, the alternative might even mean having to stick a steak on your head, or a packet of sausages.)

But what about my sort of hair, which is totally crap hair, and does one thing one day, something totally different the next, but basically always looks as if I've just given it a good going over with an electric toothbrush? Where's the shampoo for this? Why is there no Trevor Sorbie shampoo for Totally Crap hair which, for best results, should be used in conjunction with the Totally Crap conditioner and Totally Crap serum? Why has no one ever worked on this? What have Toni & Guy been doing all these years? Those white-coated men who shuffle about the Laboratoire that is Garnier, are they actually on one long tea-break or what?

Do these people think I actually like going around with hair that does one thing one day, a different thing the next, but basically always looks as if I've given it a good going over with an electric toothbrush? Do they? All I'm saying is that if you think there's too much choice when it comes to shampoo, that it's got out of hand, that Herbal Essences will be launching an IQ-enriched range next, then you obviously don't have totally crap hair. Well, bully for you, and a curse on all your children, born and yet to be born. (My hair is also very bitchy. Where is the shampoo for that?)

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Pharmaceutical Computer System Validation Specialist

£300 - £350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Pharmaceutical Computer ...

Senior Java Developer - API's / Webservices - XML, XSLT

£400 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is currently ...

Newly Qualified Teachers

£90 - £115 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: We are currently looking fo...

Year 3/4 Teacher

£120 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Job Share Year 3/4 Teacher...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The racist abuse of Mario Balotelli on Twitter is disgusting, but it can be stopped

Anna Jonsson
A survey by Which? found that some of the UK’s biggest airports, including Heathrow, left travellers the most agitated  

Third-runway momentum is gathering. We need to stop it in its tracks

Mary Dejevsky
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments