Deborah Ross: 'My hair basically always looks like it's had a good going over with an electric toothbrush'

If you ask me – and why wouldn't you, considering I am brave and true and know everything? – there simply aren't enough shampoos on the market. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking just the opposite. You are thinking: if one industry has got it all covered, it's the shampoo industry.

There is a shampoo for every colour, length and type, including fly-away, which, of course, has to be tamed – what if your hair were to fly away just before a special occasion? What then? – and ones that ease frizz, probably by talking it down: "Easy now, frizz. Easy. Steady, girl. Whoa." There are even vitamin- and mineral-enriched shampoos because, as science has repeatedly failed to prove, but what the hell, the best way to get all your vitamins and minerals is to suck them in through your scalp. (With regard to protein-enriched shampoos, the alternative might even mean having to stick a steak on your head, or a packet of sausages.)

But what about my sort of hair, which is totally crap hair, and does one thing one day, something totally different the next, but basically always looks as if I've just given it a good going over with an electric toothbrush? Where's the shampoo for this? Why is there no Trevor Sorbie shampoo for Totally Crap hair which, for best results, should be used in conjunction with the Totally Crap conditioner and Totally Crap serum? Why has no one ever worked on this? What have Toni & Guy been doing all these years? Those white-coated men who shuffle about the Laboratoire that is Garnier, are they actually on one long tea-break or what?

Do these people think I actually like going around with hair that does one thing one day, a different thing the next, but basically always looks as if I've given it a good going over with an electric toothbrush? Do they? All I'm saying is that if you think there's too much choice when it comes to shampoo, that it's got out of hand, that Herbal Essences will be launching an IQ-enriched range next, then you obviously don't have totally crap hair. Well, bully for you, and a curse on all your children, born and yet to be born. (My hair is also very bitchy. Where is the shampoo for that?)