Deborah Ross: 'My kitchen food cupboard is terrorising me.'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, there are some things in life that you expect to fear, like flying and motorways and pit bull terriers and the prospect of white goods breaking down, which always means "getting a man in" who won't turn up, and then another man who won't turn up, and this second man may be the same as the first, but how will you ever know? These are sound fears, common fears, decent and upstanding fears, but lately I have developed a most unexpected fear: I am frightened of the food cupboard in my kitchen. Or, to put it another way: my kitchen food cupboard is terrorising me.

I can't pinpoint when it all began, but I started to notice that even though I knew I had something in this cupboard – black peppercorns, for example – I would buy another packet rather than search for them and when I'd finished, I'd open the cupboard door a crack, lob this other packet in, close the door, lean with my back against it, and exhale with relief. "Phew, that's one condiment dealt with for today," I would say. And when I needed peppercorns the next time? I would buy yet another pack and, I'm telling you, if I haven't spent £457 on black peppercorns in the past few days alone, I'd be very surprised.

Oh, this cupboard looks benign enough, but it is evil, and who knows what is living in it after all these years. If pressed, though, I'd say you'd find the following: tins of golden syrup with half-cocked lids; ancient pots of hundreds and thousands; a spilling bag of decade-old lentils; fancy exotic chutneys that seemed like a good idea at the time (wardrobe and quince, anyone?); umpteen bottles of food colouring (all green); 768 packs of black peppercorns, crazy spices (star anise, what's all that about?) and herbal teas with names like Mango Madness and Tropical Carnival which no one ever drank, because they all taste of old, dirty pond. See? See?

Terrifying. Of course, the solution is to have a big clear out but, although I made an appointment with myself to do just that, I'm afraid I didn't turn up. Great. Now I'll have to wait in for myself tomorrow, too.

Next week: those lone fish fingers embedded in the icy wall of the freezer. How scary are they?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Merger and Acquisition Project Manager

£500 - £550 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client are currently...

SEN Teaching Assistant

£50 - £55 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: SEN TAWe are looking to recrui...

Technical Manager – Heat Pumps

£40000 Per Annum dependent on experience: The Green Recruitment Company: They ...

Test Job

TBC: Test Recruiter for iJobs: Job London (Greater)

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

A long way to go before we reach Dave Eggers's digital dystopia

Memphis Barker
 

August catch-up: dress to impress, words to use more often, and the end of the internet

John Rentoul
Kate Bush, Hammersmith Apollo music review: A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it

Kate Bush shows a voice untroubled by time

A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it
Robot sheepdog technology could be used to save people from burning buildings

The science of herding is cracked

Mathematical model would allow robots to be programmed to control crowds and save people from burning buildings
Tyrant: Is the world ready for a Middle Eastern 'Dallas'?

This tyrant doesn’t rule

It’s billed as a Middle Eastern ‘Dallas’, so why does Fox’s new drama have a white British star?
Rachael Lander interview: From strung out to playing strings

From strung out to playing strings

Award-winning cellist Rachael Lander’s career was almost destroyed by the alcohol she drank to fight stage fright. Now she’s playing with Elbow and Ellie Goulding
The science of saturated fat: A big fat surprise about nutrition?

A big fat surprise about nutrition?

The science linking saturated fats to heart disease and other health issues has never been sound. Nina Teicholz looks at how governments started advising incorrectly on diets
Emmys 2014 review: Can they genuinely compete with the Oscars

Can they genuinely compete with the Oscars?

The recent Emmy Awards are certainly glamorous, but they can't beat their movie cousins
On the road to nowhere: A Routemaster trip to remember

On the road to nowhere

A Routemaster trip to remember
Hotel India: Mumbai's Taj Mahal Palace leaves its darker days behind

Hotel India

Mumbai's Taj Mahal Palace leaves its darker days behind
10 best pencil cases

Back to school: 10 best pencil cases

Whether it’s their first day at school, uni or a new project, treat the student in your life to some smart stationery
Arsenal vs Besiktas Champions League qualifier: Gunners know battle with Turks is a season-defining fixture

Arsenal know battle with Besiktas is a season-defining fixture

Arsene Wenger admits his below-strength side will have to improve on last week’s show to pass tough test
Pete Jenson: Athletic Bilbao’s locals-only transfer policy shows success does not need to be bought

Pete Jenson: A Different League

Athletic Bilbao’s locals-only transfer policy shows success does not need to be bought
This guitar riff has been voted greatest of all time

The Greatest Guitar Riff of all time

Whole Lotta Votes from Radio 2 listeners
Britain’s superstar ballerina

Britain’s superstar ballerina

Alicia Markova danced... every night of the week and twice on Saturdays
Berlin's Furrie invasion

Berlin's Furrie invasion

2000 fans attended Eurofeurence
‘It was a tidal wave of terror’

‘It was a tidal wave of terror’

Driven to the edge by postpartum psychosis