Deborah Ross: Night-vision bras and other brilliant presents to look out for

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, as the Christmas gift guides and Christmas catalogues just keep coming, I thought I would alert you to my own range of useless gadgets to totally waste your money on:

1. Universal USB-fitted carpet: Simply connect to USB port and voila: instant carpeting in a choice of three colours, six weaves, and with either 3GB or 5GB of memory. (We recommend 3GB for home use, and 5GB for business use.)

2. Remote Control Potato: This is a true four-wheel drive potato which can tackle the toughest terrains and perform 360-degree spins. Plus, once it is bust, which it will be within minutes, you can turn it into chips or any other potato-based dish of your choice, like mash.

3. Piece Of Cheese Which Can Write Upside Down: There is no better way to combine cheese-eating with upside-down writing. As one testimonial puts it: "As I love cheese and love writing upside-down, this is a Godsend. Well done you!"

4. Heated Tights: Brr! You're freezing. What you need is a hot pair of tights, and when we say hot, we mean hot. These feature integrated elements that circulate warmth with the added surprise you may well think you've wet myself. "I've wet myself," you'll think, before remembering it's your heated tights. Phew! Brilliant!

5. Doctor Who's Sonic Pear: Or apple. Please tick as appropriate. (Banana out of stock until New Year.)

6. Waterproof Golf Putting Game: Watertight to 100 fathoms and perfect for those times you are deep sea diving rather than, say, sitting on the toilet.

7. Pocket Cliff Richard: This super-compact Cliff Richard has been designed for those moments when you pat a pocket and say: "I wish I had Cliff with me." No need to worry about batteries. Runs on cream of tartar and a little bit of spit.

8. Retro Dental Appointment: Just like the old days, and available in a mediaeval market square of your choice. A great day out for all the family! (Price includes four extractions per person, and a soup lunch.)

9. Night-Vision Bra: At last, a bra that can see in the dark! According to the latest research, 87 per cent of women are woken at some point by their bras stumbling around at night and bumping into furniture and even falling down stairs. "I can sleep easy now," one happy customer told us.

10. Fleece Blanket With Sleeves: The sound and costly alternative to just wearing your dressing gown back to front.

* (Do please remember that when purchasing novelty gifts, the "novelty" can not be guaranteed to last beyond Boxing Day, at most. No monies will be refunded.)

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: In House Counsel - Contracts

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This leading supplier of compliance software a...

Recruitment Genius: Associate System Engineer

£24000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Associate System Engineer r...

Recruitment Genius: Executive Assistant

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: An Executive Assistant is required to join a l...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - B2B, Corporate - City, London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella, with her boyfriend, fellow vlogger Alfie Deyes  

If children are obese then blame food manufacturers, not Zoella

Jane Merrick
Amos Yee arrives with his father at the State courts in Singapore on March 31  

Singapore's arrest of a 16-year-old YouTuber is all you need to know about Lee Kuan Yew's legacy

Noah Sin
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

Italy vs England player ratings

Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

An underdog's tale of making the most of it

Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat