Deborah Ross: Night-vision bras and other brilliant presents to look out for

If you ask me...

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If you ask me, as the Christmas gift guides and Christmas catalogues just keep coming, I thought I would alert you to my own range of useless gadgets to totally waste your money on:

1. Universal USB-fitted carpet: Simply connect to USB port and voila: instant carpeting in a choice of three colours, six weaves, and with either 3GB or 5GB of memory. (We recommend 3GB for home use, and 5GB for business use.)

2. Remote Control Potato: This is a true four-wheel drive potato which can tackle the toughest terrains and perform 360-degree spins. Plus, once it is bust, which it will be within minutes, you can turn it into chips or any other potato-based dish of your choice, like mash.

3. Piece Of Cheese Which Can Write Upside Down: There is no better way to combine cheese-eating with upside-down writing. As one testimonial puts it: "As I love cheese and love writing upside-down, this is a Godsend. Well done you!"

4. Heated Tights: Brr! You're freezing. What you need is a hot pair of tights, and when we say hot, we mean hot. These feature integrated elements that circulate warmth with the added surprise you may well think you've wet myself. "I've wet myself," you'll think, before remembering it's your heated tights. Phew! Brilliant!

5. Doctor Who's Sonic Pear: Or apple. Please tick as appropriate. (Banana out of stock until New Year.)

6. Waterproof Golf Putting Game: Watertight to 100 fathoms and perfect for those times you are deep sea diving rather than, say, sitting on the toilet.

7. Pocket Cliff Richard: This super-compact Cliff Richard has been designed for those moments when you pat a pocket and say: "I wish I had Cliff with me." No need to worry about batteries. Runs on cream of tartar and a little bit of spit.

8. Retro Dental Appointment: Just like the old days, and available in a mediaeval market square of your choice. A great day out for all the family! (Price includes four extractions per person, and a soup lunch.)

9. Night-Vision Bra: At last, a bra that can see in the dark! According to the latest research, 87 per cent of women are woken at some point by their bras stumbling around at night and bumping into furniture and even falling down stairs. "I can sleep easy now," one happy customer told us.

10. Fleece Blanket With Sleeves: The sound and costly alternative to just wearing your dressing gown back to front.

* (Do please remember that when purchasing novelty gifts, the "novelty" can not be guaranteed to last beyond Boxing Day, at most. No monies will be refunded.)

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