Deborah Ross: Night-vision bras and other brilliant presents to look out for

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, as the Christmas gift guides and Christmas catalogues just keep coming, I thought I would alert you to my own range of useless gadgets to totally waste your money on:

1. Universal USB-fitted carpet: Simply connect to USB port and voila: instant carpeting in a choice of three colours, six weaves, and with either 3GB or 5GB of memory. (We recommend 3GB for home use, and 5GB for business use.)

2. Remote Control Potato: This is a true four-wheel drive potato which can tackle the toughest terrains and perform 360-degree spins. Plus, once it is bust, which it will be within minutes, you can turn it into chips or any other potato-based dish of your choice, like mash.

3. Piece Of Cheese Which Can Write Upside Down: There is no better way to combine cheese-eating with upside-down writing. As one testimonial puts it: "As I love cheese and love writing upside-down, this is a Godsend. Well done you!"

4. Heated Tights: Brr! You're freezing. What you need is a hot pair of tights, and when we say hot, we mean hot. These feature integrated elements that circulate warmth with the added surprise you may well think you've wet myself. "I've wet myself," you'll think, before remembering it's your heated tights. Phew! Brilliant!

5. Doctor Who's Sonic Pear: Or apple. Please tick as appropriate. (Banana out of stock until New Year.)

6. Waterproof Golf Putting Game: Watertight to 100 fathoms and perfect for those times you are deep sea diving rather than, say, sitting on the toilet.

7. Pocket Cliff Richard: This super-compact Cliff Richard has been designed for those moments when you pat a pocket and say: "I wish I had Cliff with me." No need to worry about batteries. Runs on cream of tartar and a little bit of spit.

8. Retro Dental Appointment: Just like the old days, and available in a mediaeval market square of your choice. A great day out for all the family! (Price includes four extractions per person, and a soup lunch.)

9. Night-Vision Bra: At last, a bra that can see in the dark! According to the latest research, 87 per cent of women are woken at some point by their bras stumbling around at night and bumping into furniture and even falling down stairs. "I can sleep easy now," one happy customer told us.

10. Fleece Blanket With Sleeves: The sound and costly alternative to just wearing your dressing gown back to front.

* (Do please remember that when purchasing novelty gifts, the "novelty" can not be guaranteed to last beyond Boxing Day, at most. No monies will be refunded.)

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SAP Project Manager

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

SAP Project Manager

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

Senior Investment Accounting Change Manager

£600 - £700 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Senior Investment Accounting Change...

Microsoft Dynamics AX Functional Consultant

£65000 - £75000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: A rare opportun...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Children of a bygone era  

Kids these days aren't what they used to be — they're a lot better. So why the fuss?

Archie Bland
A suited man eyes up the moral calibre of a burlesque troupe  

Be they burlesque dancers or arms dealers, a bank has no business judging the morality of its clients

John Walsh
Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices
Could our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?

Could smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases?

Health Kit and Google Fit have been described as "the beginning of a health revolution"
Ryanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?

Can we learn to love Ryanair again?

Four recent travellers give their verdicts on the carrier's improved customer service
Billionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers

Spanx launches range of jeans

The jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and will go on sale in the UK in October
10 best over-ear headphones

Aural pleasure: 10 best over-ear headphones

Listen to your favourite tracks with this selection, offering everything from lambskin earmuffs to stainless steel
Commonwealth Games 2014: David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end

Commonwealth Games

David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end
UCI Mountain Bike World Cup 2014: Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings

UCI Mountain Bike World Cup

Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star