Deborah Ross: Nine questions to discover if your marriage is worth saving

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, it is good that the Government has launched a "divorce app" to help separating couples but, before you do anything rash, I would advise you to first download the Ross Marital Assessment App (£799), which would have been developed in conjunction with the University of Wisconsin, if only they'd obliged, or had even returned my calls. Still, it is an excellent app which, by completing a simple questionnaire, will tell you if your marriage can be saved or if it's best to bail out now:

1. When did you first realise you couldn't stand your spouse?

A) Just now; B) Around this time yesterday; C) Last Tuesday morning; D). Way, way, way, way back.

2. What would you say most keeps you together at this point?

A) Kids; B) Pets; C) Money; D) Stockholm Syndrome.

3. What film best describes your marriage?

A) The Killing Fields; B) Apocalypse Now; C) The Hurt Locker; D) Mrs Doubtfire.

4. Which of the following incenses you the most?

A) When he does that humming thing; B) When he does that throat-clearing thing; C) When he does that sniffing thing; D) When he dresses up as a nanny and infiltrates the household.

5. Do you ever make time to talk?

A) Never; B) Over my dead body; C) Pigs will fly; D) About what?

6. What do you feel would most pep up your marriage at this point?

A) A system restore point; B) Drugs; C) Static electricity when we are both least expecting it; D) Grace Jones hoola-hooping at the end of the bed.

7. When you look at him, what word or phrase is most likely to come to mind?

A) Idiot; B) Bell-End; C) Arse; D) If you don't stop with the humming thing, I'm going to have to plunge a knife between your shoulder-blades.

8. Do you tell your spouse the things you appreciate about him?

A) Like what?; B) Don't make me laugh; C) I'm still racking my brains here; D) No.

9. Should the worst come to the worst, would you be happy with a no-fault divorce or would you be happier if the bastard was...

A) Crucified; B) Left to twist in the wind; C) Nailed to the wall; D) Obliged to watch his own cholesterol until he explodes.

Thank you for taking the time to fill in the Ross Marital Assessment Questionnaire where your answers would have been sent off to be studied by experts, if only they'd obliged. Still, I can tell you that if you answered A, B, C or D to any of the above, this is marriage for you, and you'd best stay put unless you have any better ideas. However, do always remember this: if you say "potato" and he says "potahto" then, experts agree, it probably is best you call the whole thing off.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Online Advertising Account Executive , St Pauls , London

£26K-30k + Bonus, Private Medical Insurance, Company Pension: Charter Selectio...

Advertising Account Executive - Online, Central London

£25K-28k + Bonus, Private Medical Insurance, Company Pension: Charter Selectio...

Senior Infrastructure Consultant

£50000 - £65000 Per Annum potentially flexible for the right candidate: Clearw...

Public Sector Audit - Bristol

£38000 per annum + Benefits: Pro-Recruitment Group: Do you have experience of ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Wages are on the rise (so long as you skew the figures)

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
 

It’s two decades since ‘education, education, education’, but still Britain’s primary school admissions are a farce

Jane Merrick
Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail. If you think it's awful, then just don't watch it'

Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail'

As the second series of his divisive sitcom 'Derek' hits screens, the comedian tells James Rampton why he'll never bow to the critics who habitually circle his work
Mad Men series 7, TV review: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge

Mad Men returns for a final fling

The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground as there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit

Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground

Technology giant’s scientists say there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit
Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics

Is sexual harassment a fact of gay life?

Westminster is awash with tales of young men being sexually harassed - but it's far from being just a problem in politics
Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith: The man behind a British success story

Moshi Monster creator Michael Acton Smith

Acton Smith launched a world of virtual creatures who took the real world by storm
Kim Jong-un's haircut: The Independent heads to Ealing to try out the dictator's do

Our journalist tries out Kim Jong-un's haircut

The North Korean embassy in London complained when M&M Hair Academy used Kim Jong-un's image in the window. Curious, Guy Pewsey heads to the hair salon and surrenders to the clippers
A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A forgotten naval victory in which even Nature played a part

A History of the First World War in 100 moments

A forgotten naval victory in which even Nature played a part
Vespa rides on with launch of Primavera: Iconic Italian scooter still revving up millions of sales

Vespa rides on with launch of the Primavera

The Vespa has been a style icon since the 1950s and the release this month of its latest model confirms it has lost little of its lustre
Record Store Day: Independent music shops can offer a tempting alternative to downloads

Record Store Day celebrates independent music shops

This Saturday sees a host of events around the country to champion the sellers of well-grooved wax
Taunton's policy of putting philosophy at heart of its curriculum is one of secrets of its success

Education: Secret of Taunton's success

Taunton School, in Somerset, is one of the country's leading independent schools, says Richard Garner
10 best smartphones

10 best smartphones

With a number of new smartphones on the market, we round up the best around, including some more established models
Mickey Arthur: Aussie tells ECB to stick with Ashley Giles

Mickey Arthur: Aussie tells ECB to stick with Ashley Giles

The former Australia coach on why England must keep to Plan A, about his shock at their collapse Down Under, why he sent players home from India and the agonies of losing his job
Homelessness: Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Why is the supported lodgings lifeline under threat?

Zubairi Sentongo swapped poverty in Uganda for homelessness in Britain. But a YMCA scheme connected him with a couple offering warmth and shelter
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

When the world’s biggest shed took over Regent’s Park
The pain of IVF

The pain of IVF

As an Italian woman vows to keep the babies from someone else’s eggs, Julian Baggini ponders how the reality of childbirth is often messier than the natural ideal