Deborah Ross: Nine questions to discover if your marriage is worth saving

If you ask me...

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, it is good that the Government has launched a "divorce app" to help separating couples but, before you do anything rash, I would advise you to first download the Ross Marital Assessment App (£799), which would have been developed in conjunction with the University of Wisconsin, if only they'd obliged, or had even returned my calls. Still, it is an excellent app which, by completing a simple questionnaire, will tell you if your marriage can be saved or if it's best to bail out now:

1. When did you first realise you couldn't stand your spouse?

A) Just now; B) Around this time yesterday; C) Last Tuesday morning; D). Way, way, way, way back.

2. What would you say most keeps you together at this point?

A) Kids; B) Pets; C) Money; D) Stockholm Syndrome.

3. What film best describes your marriage?

A) The Killing Fields; B) Apocalypse Now; C) The Hurt Locker; D) Mrs Doubtfire.

4. Which of the following incenses you the most?

A) When he does that humming thing; B) When he does that throat-clearing thing; C) When he does that sniffing thing; D) When he dresses up as a nanny and infiltrates the household.

5. Do you ever make time to talk?

A) Never; B) Over my dead body; C) Pigs will fly; D) About what?

6. What do you feel would most pep up your marriage at this point?

A) A system restore point; B) Drugs; C) Static electricity when we are both least expecting it; D) Grace Jones hoola-hooping at the end of the bed.

7. When you look at him, what word or phrase is most likely to come to mind?

A) Idiot; B) Bell-End; C) Arse; D) If you don't stop with the humming thing, I'm going to have to plunge a knife between your shoulder-blades.

8. Do you tell your spouse the things you appreciate about him?

A) Like what?; B) Don't make me laugh; C) I'm still racking my brains here; D) No.

9. Should the worst come to the worst, would you be happy with a no-fault divorce or would you be happier if the bastard was...

A) Crucified; B) Left to twist in the wind; C) Nailed to the wall; D) Obliged to watch his own cholesterol until he explodes.

Thank you for taking the time to fill in the Ross Marital Assessment Questionnaire where your answers would have been sent off to be studied by experts, if only they'd obliged. Still, I can tell you that if you answered A, B, C or D to any of the above, this is marriage for you, and you'd best stay put unless you have any better ideas. However, do always remember this: if you say "potato" and he says "potahto" then, experts agree, it probably is best you call the whole thing off.