If you ask me, on realising I absolutely despise the cheerful can-do, self-improving spirit of women's magazines – "You can turn your life around in 14 days!"; "Your countdown to the perfect Christmas!" – I have decided to launch an alternative magazine for depressive no-can-do pessimists and this magazine is called Not OK!
When not staring into middle-distance and wondering if this is all there is to life, I have been working exceptionally hard on the launch issue, which includes the following features: "Let's Face It, You Are Always Going To Be Fat" and "Wrinkles: Why They Are Here To Stay" and "Christ, That 'Old' Woman Opposite Is Probably My Age" and "Fashion: Why It's Not For You, Idiot!"
Not OK! will offer in-depth financial reporting of the kind that may laugh in your face – you're now working twice as hard for half the money? Ha! You're a joke! – plus one of those surveys designed to confirm your world view, but which may come as a shock all the same. For example, did you know that our latest survey shows that 93 per cent of your friends bitch behind your back while the other seven per cent don't believe you are worth the effort? And 100 per cent said that if you called at 4am with some emergency and they knew it was you, they not only wouldn't pick up, but would resent being woken.
Naturally, there will be beauty advice – "Party Make-Up: What Is The Point When You Haven't Been Asked Anywhere?" – and quizzes with titles like "Are You Destined To Succeed?" and "Can You Keep A Guy Intrigued?" – as if! – and tips on how to put together yet another imperfect Christmas.
Scared of your turkey being too moist? Follow our step-by-step guide to making it as dry as ever. Scared of embarrassing yourself by spending too much money on somebody? It's easily done, and we'll show you how. Scared of buying people any old rubbish just for the sheer relief of crossing them off your list? Don't worry. We'll convince you that your teenage niece really does want a golf putting game for the loo. Scared your husband will wrap up the kettle at the last minute, this being his idea of a gift? Don't worry. We'll talk you through giving him the cheese grater in return, as well as the finger.
So this is Not OK!, tailored specifically to meet the needs of the not-OK everywhere, and available from your local surly newsagent even though, on reflection, and thinking about it now, it's probably not any good. Nothing I do ever is.
(In next month's issue, our survey will show your house is now worth nothing and your children have nits.)