Deborah Ross: Not saving your marriage, part 2: Tips for men

If you ask me...
Click to follow
The Independent Online

If you ask me, my tips on how not to save a marriage appear to have gone down extremely well, and have already not saved many marriages. Indeed, as one reader writes: "My marriage had been limping on for years but since I curtained off my husband at the bottom of the garden, and changed the locks, I haven't heard a peep from him. I believe my marriage has almost certainly not been saved, so thanks for that. Result!"

However, in retrospect, I can now see that all my tips were given from the female point of view, which was awfully sexist, and because I now fear getting sacked by all those people who were desperate to get shot of me anyhow, I wish to rectify this. So, men, if you do not wish to save your marriage, act as follows although, chances are, you already do:

1. Claim you do your share of the childcare even though you have only ever changed two nappies. If you have changed three, claim to be the main carer, and a saint.

2. Carry on doing that funny thing with your mouth when you eat.

3. Always leave blackened ovenware in the sink to "soak", as if it might be a first step towards actually doing something about it.

4. Should your wife pop into a shoe shop when you are out together you must pace up and down outside while pointedly looking at your watch, sighing cartoonishly, and saying: "I've only got two pairs of shoes...why does anyone need more than two pairs of shoes?"

5. Phone your wife at work to ask her to bring back milk even though you're at home and the corner shop is no more than 50 yards away.

6. Fall asleep in front of the television and, when she turns over to another channel, open one eye and say: "Hey, I was watching that. Turn back!"

7. Claim you do your share of the cooking even though you once made pasta in 1972. If you have made pasta twice, claim to be the main cook, and a saint.

8. Hide behind the sofa whenever you see an Ikea flatpack coming at you.

9. Repeatedly assert that you are in better shape than popularly supposed, and are probably only two press-ups away from a date with Cheryl Cole.

10. Persist in explaining the offside rule even though it is obviously way beyond her, and she should restrict herself to the kitchen. "Do yourself a favour, love," you may wish to say to her, "that blackened ovenware isn't going to un-soak itself."