If you ask me, I am delighted to report that, unlike in previous years, I am doing extremely well with my resolutions for 2012 and have shown very little sign of veering off, cheating or sabotaging myself. My resolutions include:

I will not sleep with George Clooney or pose nude for Playboy: I am so confident about sticking to this resolution that if you were to ask me at the end of this year if I had slept with George Clooney, or posed nude for Playboy I'll bet you all the money there is that my answer will be: "No."

I will wear the correct shoe on the correct foot at all times: If you see me doing otherwise, please, please pull me up on it.

I will be a complete sucker for all those expensive face creams that promise to reverse the signs of ageing: I will buy these creams on an almost monthly basis even though I know, deep down, I've more chance of reversing a tank up my arse. This is how committed I am.

I will not cut down my smoking: I may even strive to up it by smoking in hitherto untried places, like in the shower, down into babies' cots, and up Paul McKenna's trouser leg.

I will not sneak up on people and poke them with a big stick: Aside from a momentary lapse yesterday, when I did sneak up on someone and did poke them with a big stick, I have been as good as gold in this respect. I think one momentary lapse can be forgiven.

I will not lose weight: I am already on track and have just clawed at the leftover Christmas pudding in the fridge. Shortly, I will be revisiting the fridge for three chipolatas and a handful of stuffing. I am being most strict about this.

I will not harass my teenage son about never returning towels to the bathroom: This is a bit of a cheat as I actually stopped doing this in 2009; the year I realised it was pointless and a complete waste of breath.

I will be full-on creepy around important people: As it stands, I am only quasi-creepy as something within stops me going the whole hog, but I will attempt to do better, and creep like there's no tomorrow.

I will eat a tomato as if it were an apple: I will, and I will do it a week on Thursday. Just see if I don't.

Aside from not sneaking up on people and poking them with a big stick, which is always a hard habit to break, I believe I am well on course to succeeding with these resolutions. And, to think, some have always written me off a loser! Ha!