Deborah Ross: Now let's all play at being Sarah Lund

If you ask me...
Click to follow
The Independent Online

If you ask me, although 400,000 people must be wondering how they will get through Saturday nights now the Danish crime thriller The Killing has finished its BBC4 run, there is an answer, and the answer is this: you can spend the time playing Being Sarah Lund, a great game for all the family, up there with Ludo, but with slightly more of an emphasis on abduction, rape, murder and a certain Scandinavian gloom.

You may even wish to get in the mood right now by saying: "What am I doing this Saturday night? I'm planning to gloomily solve one more case before gloomily moving to Sweden." Whether you say this while eating cold left-overs from a pan is entirely up to you. The strict rules have yet to be drawn up, although Waddingtons do hope to have them ready for Christmas.

Anyway, to play Being Sarah Lund you will certainly need the following: nicotine gum; a chunky-knit Faroe sweater of the kind that will miraculously mend itself after you've been stabbed in the arm (check the label; it should say if it will miraculously re-knit itself); a great arse in jeans. If you do not have a great arse in jeans, do not despair, as you can compensate by, for example, being off-hand with your mother even though she is only trying to help and seems quite nice, actually. This is just as Sarah Lund, if not more so.

Now you have all the essential items in place you will need to behave in a Lund-ish way, which may mean calling in forensics at the drop of a hat, spotting the one detail everyone else has missed – bar the toilet in that political party's flat, for some reason – and infuriating everyone. If you suspect you are not infuriating enough, say you are definitely going to make it to your own house-warming party, and then don't.

Meanwhile, you must not do any of the following: smile, laugh, stop to put on lipstick, neurotically obsess over your life choices, finally use that spa voucher, or pick up a copy of Hello! and say: "The investigation can do without me today. I'm putting my feet up and then making banana bread for mum, Mark and Bengt. I don't know what I'd do without them."

I hope you will enjoy this game as much as we do, although do remember this: beware the avuncular fellow who wants to buy your boys a puppy. He could be a creep.

(Next Week: a cut out and keep picture of Troels with his top off! Yay! )