Deborah Ross: Office workers have the things I yearn for

If you ask me... I yearn to use the post and the telephone and the photocopier for personal reasons.

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, this is a cruel time of year for the non-office worker who yearns to work in an office and, above all, yearns to join in the feverish hunt "for the perfect office party dress".

I know about this because I work from home, yet yearn to work in anoffice and yearn all year long. I yearn to steal pens and paper and envelopes and Post-It notes. I yearn to bitch behind others' backs instead of, as things stand, having to bitch about me behind my back. (I am a fearsome bitch behind my back. If only I knew, I would think a lot less of me). I yearn to carry a tray of coffees back from Starbucks, an act that effectively tells everyone: "Look! I work in an office! I have colleagues! I must annually hunt down the perfect office party dress!"

I yearn to install a slightly bigger chair for myself, just to put everyone else on edge. I yearn to be sexually harassed, not just on a daily basis, but before lunch, after lunch, and moments before I go home. I yearn to use the post and the telephone and the photocopier for personal reasons. I yearn to have a computer that freezes, so requiring a visit from the handsome man in IT. I yearn for a boss and to stop being my own boss, which is tiring, even though I'm quite a decent boss. (I always, for example, believe myself when I call in sick, and may even send a fruit basket and nice card. I don't know why I bitch behind my own back so much. "You are lucky to have you as a boss," I sometimes have to remind myself. )

I yearn to stop by the fashion desk and engage them in conversation – so, pockets; in or out this year? – in the hope that they'll give me a handbag to go away. I yearn to manoeuvre the handsome man from IT on to my knee.

I yearn to take random calls from random PRs who may be mad. ("Are you planning any features on Appletise this week?". "Now you mention it ...YES! What are the chances of that? Wow.") I yearn for my toilet breaks to be monitored because, currently, I take advantage and can be gone for hours.

But, mostly, I yearn to be invited to the Christmas office party where, hopefully, I will wear the "perfect" dress and be subjected to non-stop sexual harassment before stealing a few pens and putting my Christmas present to my niece, who lives in Kuala Lumpur, in the mail. Yes, this is a cruel, cruel time for the non-office worker, who also has quite a lot of postage to pay.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (B2B) - Romford - £40,000 + car

£35000 - £40000 per annum + car and benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager...

Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000 ...

Ashdown Group: Data Scientist - London - £50,000 + bonus

£35000 - £50000 per annum + generous bonus: Ashdown Group: Business Analytics ...

Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Development) - Kingston

£45000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Dev...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Blunkett joins the Labour candidate for Redcar Anna Turley on a campaigning visit last month  

General Election 2015: Politics is the messy art of compromise, unpopular as it may be

David Blunkett
File: David Cameron offers a toast during a State Dinner in his honour March 14, 2012  

Vote Tory and you’re voting for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer

Mark Steel
General Election 2015: ‘We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon’, says Ed Balls

'We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon'

In an exclusive interview, Ed Balls says he won't negotiate his first Budget with SNP MPs - even if Labour need their votes to secure its passage
VE Day 70th anniversary: How ordinary Britons celebrated the end of war in Europe

How ordinary Britons celebrated VE Day

Our perception of VE Day usually involves crowds of giddy Britons casting off the shackles of war with gay abandon. The truth was more nuanced
They came in with William Caxton's printing press, but typefaces still matter in the digital age

Typefaces still matter in the digital age

A new typeface once took years to create, now thousands are available at the click of a drop-down menu. So why do most of us still rely on the old classics, asks Meg Carter?
Discovery of 'missing link' between the two main life-forms on Earth could explain evolution of animals, say scientists

'Missing link' between Earth's two life-forms found

New microbial species tells us something about our dark past, say scientists
The Pan Am Experience is a 'flight' back to the 1970s that never takes off - at least, not literally

Pan Am Experience: A 'flight' back to the 70s

Tim Walker checks in and checks out a four-hour journey with a difference
Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics - it's everywhere in the animal world

Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics

Voting, mutual back-scratching, coups and charismatic leaders - it's everywhere in the animal world
Crisp sales are in decline - but this tasty trivia might tempt back the turncoats

Crisp sales are in decline

As a nation we're filling up on popcorn and pitta chips and forsaking their potato-based predecessors
Ronald McDonald the muse? Why Banksy, Ron English and Keith Coventry are lovin' Maccy D's

Ronald McDonald the muse

A new wave of artists is taking inspiration from the fast food chain
13 best picnic blankets

13 best picnic blankets

Dine al fresco without the grass stains and damp bottoms with something from our pick of picnic rugs
Barcelona 3 Bayern Munich 0 player ratings: Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?

Barcelona vs Bayern Munich player ratings

Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?
Martin Guptill: Explosive New Zealand batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Explosive batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Martin Guptill has smashed early runs for Derbyshire and tells Richard Edwards to expect more from the 'freakish' Brendon McCullum and his buoyant team during their tour of England
General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'