Deborah Ross: 'One of the seven signs of ageing is surely having pores big enough to host music festivals in'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I think it is very fine that you can now buy a face cream to combat the "seven signs of ageing" plus, who knows, one day they may even find an eighth, which would be terrifically exciting, like happening upon an extra wonder of the world, or another deadly sin, or even another dwarf.

But it's seven for now and I have just purchased this cream in the hope that it will do what is says on the side of the false-bottomed jar, even though I cannot read what it says on the side of the false-bottomed jar, because I cannot find my reading glasses, which were just here a minute ago.

Still, I think I know what the signs are: 1) Never being able to find your reading glasses, even though they were here a minute ago; 2) Desiring little from the day beyond the opportunity to spend most of it pottering about in slippers; 3) Suffering from a failure of nerve at the entrance to Topshop for fear of provoking a security announcement along these lines: "Staff alert. Middle-aged housewife approaching. Re-direct to Wallis. Re-direct to Wallis"; 4) Watching a channel called Yesterday and, in particular, Captain Poldark, who is still hot; 5) Having pores big enough to host music festivals in, as well as that festival harpy, Fearne Cotton, who may be the poor man's Holly Willoughby, or is it the other way round?; 6) Finding the courage to enter Topshop but then fearing a security announcement along these lines: "Woman pottering in slippers in knitwear. Apprehend and expel! Apprehend and expel!"; 7) The urge to retire to Fort Lauderdale, even though you don't really know where it is and can't locate it on a map because you can't find your reading glasses which is odd, as they where here a minute ago.

I am extremely excited about this cream, and will, of course, report back on just how combative it is, plus will also keep you informed if there is any news about an eighth sign which, if you ask me – and you did, remember – may mean being pulled aside in Topshop and having them say to you: "Madam, have you never heard of Cotton Traders online? You won't even need to take your slippers off."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Assistant / Credit Controller

£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are an award-winning digit...

Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform Engineer - VMware / SAN / Tier3 DC

£45000 - £55000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform En...

Recruitment Genius: Purchasing Assistant

£10000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Ledger Assistant

£17000 - £19000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Labour and the Liberal Democrats would both end winter fuel allowances for pensioners with enough income to pay the 40p tax rate  

Politicians court the grey vote because pensioners, unlike the young, vote

Andrew Grice
US President Barack Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping have a drink after agreeing a deal on carbon emissions  

Beijing must face down the perils of being big and powerful – or boom may turn to bust

Peter Popham
Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

Paul Scholes column

I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable