Deborah Ross: Quick! Cover up those piano legs! Anything could happen!

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, we need to talk about the furore surrounding the recent banning of prayers at council meetings and, in particular, the resultant clamouring for "a return to Christian values", which may or may not be coming from the same people who are always clamouring for "a return to Victorian values", although, seriously, who has the time for that one?

As it is, I spent most of this morning covering up the legs on our piano, so they wouldn't engorge my husband with lust – my husband has to only glimpse a piano leg, and it's like he's on fire – and then I had to help our parlour-maid strangle her illegitimate baby at birth. I'm telling you, by the time I'd finished with all that, it was nearly noon, and I'd yet to die of toothache through lack of antibiotics. How am I going to ever fit that in?

But a return to Christian values? What does it mean, exactly? Living according to the laws as laid down in the Old Testament; the ones which are so often cited to prove homosexuality and abortion are abominations? But why not live by all the laws? This is what I intend to do and the moment I'm wrapped up here, I'm off to poke out the eye of my manservant, who I suspect has been stealing from me, and then I'll be touring the area in the hope of stoning a few girls who weren't virgins on their wedding night, and then I might buy myself a few more slaves, probably from John Lewis. (They have a special helpline should something go wrong with your slave in the first 12 months.)

Next, I will probably murder my teenage son for saying things like, "What do you know?" – according to Deut 21:18, any son who disrespects his mother can be put to death, which is handy – and will also inform my husband's brother, Alun, that, if something happens to my husband, he must marry me, and if he does not, I may take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye (Deut 26:10), which will be fun.

In fact, in all the years I have known Alun, the one thing I have always longed to do is take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye. Sometimes, when he's over, he falls asleep in front of Match of the Day along with my husband and I think: shall I take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye right now? But then I remember: I have to get him to refuse to marry me first!

So, a return to Christian values? It'll be interesting, I think, and I'm all for it. Bring it on.