Deborah Ross: Quick! Cover up those piano legs! Anything could happen!

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, we need to talk about the furore surrounding the recent banning of prayers at council meetings and, in particular, the resultant clamouring for "a return to Christian values", which may or may not be coming from the same people who are always clamouring for "a return to Victorian values", although, seriously, who has the time for that one?

As it is, I spent most of this morning covering up the legs on our piano, so they wouldn't engorge my husband with lust – my husband has to only glimpse a piano leg, and it's like he's on fire – and then I had to help our parlour-maid strangle her illegitimate baby at birth. I'm telling you, by the time I'd finished with all that, it was nearly noon, and I'd yet to die of toothache through lack of antibiotics. How am I going to ever fit that in?

But a return to Christian values? What does it mean, exactly? Living according to the laws as laid down in the Old Testament; the ones which are so often cited to prove homosexuality and abortion are abominations? But why not live by all the laws? This is what I intend to do and the moment I'm wrapped up here, I'm off to poke out the eye of my manservant, who I suspect has been stealing from me, and then I'll be touring the area in the hope of stoning a few girls who weren't virgins on their wedding night, and then I might buy myself a few more slaves, probably from John Lewis. (They have a special helpline should something go wrong with your slave in the first 12 months.)

Next, I will probably murder my teenage son for saying things like, "What do you know?" – according to Deut 21:18, any son who disrespects his mother can be put to death, which is handy – and will also inform my husband's brother, Alun, that, if something happens to my husband, he must marry me, and if he does not, I may take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye (Deut 26:10), which will be fun.

In fact, in all the years I have known Alun, the one thing I have always longed to do is take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye. Sometimes, when he's over, he falls asleep in front of Match of the Day along with my husband and I think: shall I take off one of his sandals and spit in his eye right now? But then I remember: I have to get him to refuse to marry me first!

So, a return to Christian values? It'll be interesting, I think, and I'm all for it. Bring it on.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Executive

£18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Retail Buyer / Ecommerce Buyer

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Working closely with the market...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - CAD Software Solutions Sales

£20000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A reputable company, famed for ...

Ashdown Group: Client Accountant Team Manager - Reading

Negotiable: Ashdown Group: The Ashdown Group has been engaged by a highly resp...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Education Editor: This shocking abuse of teachers should be taken seriously

Richard Garner
Brand loyalty: businessmen Stuart Rose (pictured with David Cameron at the Conservative conference in 2010) was among the signatories  

So, the people who always support the Tories... are supporting the Tories? Has the world gone mad?

Mark Steel
War with Isis: Iraq declares victory in the battle for Tikrit - but militants make make ominous advances in neighbouring Syria's capital

War with Isis

Iraq declares victory in the battle for Tikrit - but militants make make ominous advances in neighbouring Syria
Scientists develop mechanical spring-loaded leg brace to improve walking

A spring in your step?

Scientists develop mechanical leg brace to help take a load off
Peter Ackroyd on Alfred Hitchcock: How London shaped the director's art and obsessions

Peter Ackroyd on Alfred Hitchcock

Ackroyd has devoted his literary career to chronicling the capital and its characters. He tells John Walsh why he chose the master of suspense as his latest subject
Ryan Reynolds interview: The actor is branching out with Nazi art-theft drama Woman in Gold

Ryan Reynolds branches out in Woman in Gold

For every box-office smash in Ryan Reynolds' Hollywood career, there's always been a misconceived let-down. It's time for a rethink and a reboot, the actor tells James Mottram
Why Robin Williams safeguarded himself against a morbid trend in advertising

Stars safeguard against morbid advertising

As film-makers and advertisers make increasing posthumous use of celebrities' images, some stars are finding new ways of ensuring that they rest in peace
The UK horticulture industry is facing a skills crisis - but Great Dixter aims to change all that

UK horticulture industry facing skills crisis

Great Dixter manor house in East Sussex is encouraging people to work in the industry by offering three scholarships a year to students, as well as generous placements
Hack Circus aims to turn the rule-abiding approach of TED talks on its head

Hack Circus: Technology, art and learning

Hack Circus aims to turn the rule-abiding approach of TED talks on its head. Rhodri Marsden meets mistress of ceremonies Leila Johnston
Sevenoaks is split over much-delayed decision on controversial grammar school annexe

Sevenoaks split over grammar school annexe

If Weald of Kent Grammar School is given the go-ahead for an annexe in leafy Sevenoaks, it will be the first selective state school to open in 50 years
10 best compact cameras

A look through the lens: 10 best compact cameras

If your smartphone won’t quite cut it, it’s time to invest in a new portable gadget
Paul Scholes column: Ross Barkley played well against Italy but he must build on that. His time to step up and seize that England No 10 shirt is now

Paul Scholes column

Ross Barkley played well against Italy but he must build on that. His time to step up and seize that England No 10 shirt is now
Why Michael Carrick is still proving an enigma for England

Why Carrick is still proving an enigma for England

Manchester United's talented midfielder has played international football for almost 14 years yet, frustratingly, has won only 32 caps, says Sam Wallace
Tracey Neville: The netball coach who is just as busy as her brothers, Gary and Phil

Tracey Neville is just as busy as her brothers, Gary and Phil

The former player on how she is finding time to coach both Manchester Thunder in the Superleague and England in this year's World Cup
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?