Deborah Ross: Snack by snack – the easy way to gain weight

If you ask me...

If you ask me, I do wish everyone would get off my back about "dropping a dress size" which, aside from anything else, seems so very fraught with difficulties. Where am I meant to drop it? What if I drop it on the bus and it breaks someone's toe? Might I get sued? What if I were to drop it in the street and was then told: "Pick that up! It's because of people like you this country is going to the dogs!" How shaming would that be? And no matter how or where or when you drop your dress size, isn't it simply going to work its way back to you if not tomorrow, then the day after? In this sense, is there even any point?

As it is, I don't even think I want to drop a dress size. I've actually worked quite hard to go up not one, but two dress sizes in recent years, and have made many sacrifices; have spent long hours at the fridge door eating between meals and snacking between snacks when I could have been doing other things. If I'd spent that time studying medicine, say, I could be a senior surgical consultant. But no, I put the time in at the fridge door, and now you are saying it should all go to waste? Unbelievable.

How do you up your dress size as successfully as I have done? Although it amounts to little more than "eat more, move less" I can offer some helpful further tips which should always include wolfing the children's leftovers (if they look like finishing, you can pull the chair from under them; you'd be amazed how many fishfingers you can get down while they are still sobbing), substituting chocolate bars should you ever get a craving for a tangerine, and never drinking water, which can give you the sort of "full feeling" which can otherwise be achieved with cake.

As to the top five superfoods associated with this diet, these are mayonnaise, butter, lard, cream and suet, which can even be combined together into the Up A Dress Size Supershake. I've already received much positive feedback as to the effectiveness of this eating plan – "Thank you; I've gone up five dress sizes and can now fill shapeless baggy jumpers like never before!" – and if you don't achieve results fast, ask yourself this: have I yet discovered those pies you can get from the garage and heat up in the mini-oven? If the answer is no, this could well be what is holding you back.

(And another tip: beware cucumber. It is only water in disguise. Never handle without wearing protective clothing and safety goggles.)