Deborah Ross: Surrender to the fleece and the game is up

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I need help, and need it right now, this very minute, so maybe you could pop round, once you've read this, to stop me from doing what I think I'm about to do? I live near several major bus routes, and a tube station, so it wouldn't be that difficult, and I'd so appreciate it. I'll put the kettle on, shall I? But, please, don't leave it more than 20 minutes, half an hour tops, or you may be too late.

I need help because, I think, I'm about to surrender to... there's no easy way of saying this, so I'm just going to come out with it... the fleece. I know I'm about to surrender to the fleece because I fondled a bottle-green one in Marks & Spencer the other day and thought, "Hmm, comfy". I've also heard they are extremely washable and emerge from the washing machine practically dry. Can this be true? Can it? As it is, all our laundry is dried over the radiators in winter, which means the socks go hard at an angle of 90 degrees, and have to be creaked back into shape. Now, can you imagine how attractive a fleece sounds to someone who has to creak their socks back into shape? Can you?

But? I know what surrendering to the fleece means. I know it means that, style-wise, it's the end of the road. Game over. Finito. As things stand, I'm already a good way down that road; have already surrendered to "fatty jeans", which come in at the opposite end of the spectrum to skinny jeans, and are not only good and loose and elasticised at the waist, but also represent the total triumph of comfort over style. And make-up? I wear it so rarely that, when I do, I have to get it going again with dribbles of water or, failing that, spit. Some days, all I do is creak socks, spit, and twang my waistband, which I'm sure isn't how Cheryl Cole spends most of her time, or Kate Moss, although Olive from On The Buses might have.

And I know how it'll go. I'll buy a fleece to "just wear indoors" but, once on, it won't come off. I'll become desensitised. I'll start wearing it to the office and drinks parties and the cinema and everywhere bar London Fashion Week – give me some credit – where I would almost certainly be shot on sight with my corpse becoming a source of great wonder: "Wow, seriously? She left the house looking like that?" It happened with the fatty jeans, it'll happen with the fleece, and fatty jeans plus a fleece? You can see why I need help, right? And you are on your way over, aren't you?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Junior Quant Analyst - C++, Boost, Data Mining

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Junior Quant Analyst - C++, Boost...

Service Desk Analyst- (Desktop Support, Help desk)

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Service Desk Analyst- (Desktop Su...

Junior Quant Analyst (Machine Learning, SQL, Brokerage)

£30000 - £50000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Junior Quant Analyst (Machine Lea...

UNIX Application Support Analyst- Support, UNIX, London

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Harrington Starr: UNIX Application Support Analyst-...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Mosul dam was retaken with the help of the US  

Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

Robert Fisk
 

Next they'll say an independent Scotland can't use British clouds...

Mark Steel
Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

The President came the nearest he has come yet to rivalling George W Bush’s gormless reaction to 9/11 , says Robert Fisk
Ebola outbreak: Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on the virus

Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on Ebola

A Christian charity’s efforts to save missionaries trapped in Africa by the crisis have been justifiably praised. But doubts remain about its evangelical motives
Jeremy Clarkson 'does not see a problem' with his racist language on Top Gear, says BBC

Not even Jeremy Clarkson is bigger than the BBC, says TV boss

Corporation’s head of television confirms ‘Top Gear’ host was warned about racist language
Nick Clegg the movie: Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise

Nick Clegg the movie

Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise
Philip Larkin: Misogynist, racist, miserable? Or caring, playful man who lived for others?

Philip Larkin: What will survive of him?

Larkin's reputation has taken a knocking. But a new book by James Booth argues that the poet was affectionate, witty, entertaining and kind, as hitherto unseen letters, sketches and 'selfies' reveal
Texas forensic astronomer finally pinpoints the exact birth of impressionism

Revealed (to the minute)

The precise time when impressionism was born
10 best men's skincare products

Face it: 10 best men's skincare products

Oscar Quine cleanses, tones and moisturises to find skin-savers blokes will be proud to display on the bathroom shelf
Middle East crisis: We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

Now Obama has seen the next US reporter to be threatened with beheading, will he blink, asks Robert Fisk
Neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries, latest study shows

Final resting place of our Neanderthal neighbours revealed

Bones dated to 40,000 years ago show species may have died out in Belgium species co-existed
Scottish independence: The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

Scotland’s immigrants are as passionate about the future of their adopted nation as anyone else
Britain's ugliest buildings: Which monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?

Blight club: Britain's ugliest buildings

Following the architect Cameron Sinclair's introduction of the Dead Prize, an award for ugly buildings, John Rentoul reflects on some of the biggest blots on the UK landscape
eBay's enduring appeal: Online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce retailer

eBay's enduring appeal

The online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce site
Culture Minister Ed Vaizey: ‘lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird’

'Lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird'

Culture Minister Ed Vaizey calls for immediate action to address the problem
Artist Olafur Eliasson's latest large-scale works are inspired by the paintings of JMW Turner

Magic circles: Artist Olafur Eliasson

Eliasson's works will go alongside a new exhibition of JMW Turner at Tate Britain. He tells Jay Merrick why the paintings of his hero are ripe for reinvention
Josephine Dickinson: 'A cochlear implant helped me to discover a new world of sound'

Josephine Dickinson: 'How I discovered a new world of sound'

After going deaf as a child, musician and poet Josephine Dickinson made do with a hearing aid for five decades. Then she had a cochlear implant - and everything changed