Deborah Ross: Ten tips for living 'Fifty Shades' dream

If You Ask Me: You will need to be practised in contortionism for some of this bed flipping action (look for evening classes in your area)

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If you ask me, now I have read the publishing sensation that is Fifty Shades of Grey, I believe I am in a position to advise you should you ever be taken up by a young billionaire who is freaking hot (oh my! holy crap!). Here are my top 10 tips:

1 You will need to clear your diary to allow for at least 27 explosive, mind-blowing, body-shattering orgasms a day, so you may wish to cancel that dental appointment now.

2 You will be so hot for your billionaire and so constantly "wet" you may as well put your "panties" on straight from the washing machine, and save on drying time.

3 You will call your vagina your "inner goddess" and allow it creepy monologues and to "spin like a world-class ballerina". (You may need to start work on this now; look for an evening class in your area).

4 Although your billionaire is self-made and still in his twenties you will never ask why he doesn't do any work and does not appear to have an office.

5 You will accept that your billionaire is a sadistic, misogynistic, stalking, abusive piece of shit because you're not only a sucker for a lame, poorly written back story, but, let's face it, you've taken a liking to his spectacular manhood and the "brimming fullness" it provides.

6 As a graduate and independent woman, you will protest when your billionaire presents you with gifts like an Audi, Cartier jewels, first editions, and a wardrobe full of designer gear but as his need to give is greater than your need to decline, you will accept. (neat; well-played!).

7 You will, luckily, be often described as "clever" and "smart" and "intelligent" even though your actions and thoughts will give no indication that any of this is true, and you actually come across as so dumb, shallow and boring that only a mother could, in fact, love you, and she may struggle some days.

8 You will allow your billionaire to instruct you in all matters to do with sex and contraception even though he appears to believe women cannot get pregnant while having their period.

9 You will lie on your back and allow your billionaire to tie your wrists to the bedposts but will then, three pages later, flip on to your front as instructed even though still tied. You will therefore need to be practised in contortionism (Again, look for evening classes in your area).

10 If your romance with your billionaire goes the full 514 pages you will be required to whimper 40 times, moan 37 times, groan 22 times, mewl 17 times and all while your vagina is spinning and your fullness is brimming but, hey, no one said this would be easy, right?

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