If you ask me, the fact that the Daily Mail online is now the second most popular newspaper website IN THE WORLD, with 47 million unique visitors per month, makes me think: Who exactly are these 47 million people? Who, who, who? Do you know any of them? I know I don't.

It's a mystery. I mean, who do you know who might be interested in Nigella's bunions or Suri Cruise's £1,300 Dolce & Gabbana trench coat or Kim Kardashian's giant support pants, as detailed by the paper's specialist Upskirt Reporter, or the mother who says: "Yes, I love one of my daughters much less than the other," and here's a photograph of her, along with the sister I like better, or all those ways they have of saying "fat" without saying "fat" even though we know they mean "fat" – curvy, fuller-figured, voluptuous, buxom – or Tara Palmer Tomkinson and her creepy nose, which she may or may not get fixed in time for the royal wedding? Will she? Will she, will she, will she? Honestly, who finds this sort of thing compulsive, and can't resist sneaking a peek, sometimes 768 times a day, when nobody is looking? Who, who, who? I'd like to know.

And what about Kate, who is too thin today, but may well be too curvy by tomorrow, and Carole Middleton's boots (mutton dressed as!) and Sir Trevor Nunn banging Nancy Dell'Olio (has he gone mad?) and those naughty mothers who go to work, and tips on how to look younger as you mustn't look older, although if you don't look your age we'll rip you apart too, and those insane readers' comments, mostly from Sue, Malaga, who thinks hanging is too good for Nigella, with bunions like that, and as for immigration, it's getting so seriously out of hand that last time she popped back to the UK she woke up to find four Albanians sitting on the end of her bed, six Poles in the wardrobe, and when she poured out her cereal, guess what also fell out? A family of Roma gypsies and their donkeys! Sue, Malaga, won't be returning anytime soon, "as the country is not what it used to be, and I later discovered a group of Bulgarians had set up home in my ear!"

So I don't get it; don't get it at all. Who can be fascinated by any of this, or feel better about their own life just because the beautiful, talented, successful, rich Lily Allen has "thunder thighs"? Who are these people? Who, who, who? I don't know. I can only say it holds absolutely no attraction for me. None at all. Boring.