If you ask me, now that the London, Milan, Paris and New York fashion shows are over, you need someone to distil all the latest trends for you and, although I didn't initially think I was the right person for that, I took myself aside and told myself not to be so silly. It's a good job I was around, actually, as no one else would have taken the time and trouble.
Anyway, what you most need to know is that denim is either in or out this season. I'm not sure which, but you can be absolutely sure it's one or the other. It may even be in and out on the same day; in before noon, say, and out for the afternoon – and if this is too much for you, you really do need to ask yourself this: am I actually ready for the quick-changing nature of fashion? Or should I just stay at home watching To Buy or Not to Buy?
The other big news from the catwalks is that sometimes bags are large and sometimes they are not so large, and can even be small. Also, pockets will be just that much more pockety this season, florals will be more florally, non-florals won't be floral at all, and the heavily promoted Alice in Wonderland look will take off with everyone, including Andrew Neil. ("I love my gingham dress and long socks," he would probably have told me, had he returned my call.)
As for footwear combinations of the type that look insanely dumb but catch on because Sarah Jessica Parker was once pictured in them, there is no sign of the shoe-boot, which is good, as it leaves a gap in the market for my own combination: the hoof-flop. Part horse's hoof and part flip-flop, this is as perfect for galloping across the moors and jumping hedgerows as it is for a quick trip to the shops. They are really quite mad, but as I wrote to Ms Parker's agent: "Come on, she only has to wear them the once and all our fortunes are made!"
And lastly? The bum-bag is back. That is, the little bag you wear around your waist and is known in American as a "fanny-pack" although I feel I should warn you of this: never, ever pack your fanny unless you can help it. I packed my fanny once and it then took me ages to get the creases out.