Deborah Ross: 'There are some things you can only do indoors. Say, if the bailiffs call and you’re outside, where can you hide?'

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, this magazine's timely celebration of The Great Outdoors is all very well, but what about The Great Indoors? I love The Great Indoors, which, as far as I can see, offers quite the best protection against The Great Outdoors, and all the horrors of The Great Outdoors – like having to go BIRDWATCHING!!!

There are some things that you can only do indoors. For example, if the bailiffs call, where else can you hide behind the sofa while pretending to be out? You can't do this outside. OK, if you're approaching your house and you see the bailiffs on the doorstep you can, I suppose, hide behind a tree or a car, but what if they have dogs? The game is up then. Generally, it's best to not answer the door – or phone – at all.

Life is full of surprises, but why would you have anything to do with them when you can avoid them? And – this is what people who don't truly get The Great Indoors often forget – don't ever open any windows, as this is tantamount to saying: "Hello, outside. Do come inside," and you do not want the outside to come inside because the outside is full of weather, always, and weather is a terrible thing. Sometimes the weather even throws down frozen balls, called "hail" – I know, hard to believe, but it's true!

My husband is certainly one of those people who doesn't get The Great Indoors, and not only throws open windows – Oh, for God's sake: what is the point of living in a house when you are always letting the weather in? – but will also say things like: "Let's go to the cinema tonight," which is just silly (or, as I often have to say to him: "But the film will be out on DVD in three months, you big dummy").

He might also suggest a walk without a fixed purpose, destination or time limit, just to be outside. How crackers is that? And lastly? Whistler's mother. Did she ever say: "Tell you what, James, let's ring the changes and why don't you paint me outside today and to hell with the frozen balls?" No. She most certainly did not. And she's iconic. So I rest my case and rest it in the hall. It is so not going out the door.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Manager

£32000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Manager is required ...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Manager

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Panel & Cabinet Wireman

£20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Panel Wireman required for small electro...

Recruitment Genius: Electronics Test Engineer

£25000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An SME based in East Cheshire, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Ebola outbreak took three months to diagnose because it had never previously been detected in West Africa (Reuters)  

My hero of 2014 sacrificed herself to save countless others

Ian Birrell
The Queen spoke of respect for all cultures and faiths in her Christmas message  

Decoding the Queen's speech: Was Her Majesty taking a swipe at Ukip?

Jane Merrick
Ed Richards: Parting view of Ofcom chief. . . we hate jokes on the disabled

Ed Richards: Parting view of Ofcom chief. . . we hate jokes on the disabled

Bad language once got TV viewers irate, inciting calls to broadcasting switchboards. But now there is a worse offender, says retiring head of the media watchdog
War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

The West needs more than a White Knight

Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

The stories that defined 2014

From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?
Finally, a diet that works: Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced

Finally, a diet that works

Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced
Say it with... lyrics: The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches

Say it with... lyrics

The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches
Professor Danielle George: On a mission to bring back the art of 'thinkering'

The joys of 'thinkering'

Professor Danielle George on why we have to nurture tomorrow's scientists today
Monique Roffey: The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections

Monique Roffey interview

The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections
Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

Their outrageousness and originality makes the world a bit more interesting, says Ellen E Jones
DJ Taylor: Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

It has been hard to form generally accepted cultural standards since the middle of the 19th century – and the disintegration is only going to accelerate, says DJ Taylor
Olivia Jacobs & Ben Caplan: 'Ben thought the play was called 'Christian Love'. It was 'Christie in Love' - about a necrophiliac serial killer'

How we met

Olivia Jacobs and Ben Caplan
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's breakfasts will revitalise you in time for the New Year

Bill Granger's healthy breakfasts

Our chef's healthy recipes are perfect if you've overindulged during the festive season
Transfer guide: From Arsenal to West Ham - what does your club need in the January transfer window?

Who does your club need in the transfer window?

Most Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month