Deborah Ross: There's a problem when immigrants can invade my breakfast cereal

If You Ask Me

Share

If you ask me, although there are some who say MigrationWatch – the "independent think-tank" whose e-petition calling on the Government to reduce immigration will be debated by the Backbench Business Committee this Thursday – is a nasty outfit comprising right-wing nut-jobs devoted to scaremongering and playing fast and loose with statistics, I am not among them.

If we're not being seriously over-run by foreigners, as MigrationWatch claims, can you tell me why I woke up this morning to find 62 Bhutanian students who had outstayed their visas hiding in my wardrobe, a Somalian family attempting to set up home in my sock drawer, and a Zimbabwean refugee camping out in my ear? However, I soon got rid of that Zimbabwean by shaking my head most vigorously. I also left him with some advice: "Choose your ears more carefully," I told him. "Although all Britons are descended from a fantastically varied ethnic stock, this is something I choose to ignore and I will not have you living in my ear or on any other part of my body, like between my toes. Do you hear?"

My day did not improve. I went down for breakfast, poured out my cereal, and can you guess what also fell into my bowl? Yes, three generations of a Romanian family and their donkey. Into my Special K! They'd been living in the box! "Get out my Special K!" I shouted. "Get out, get out, get out!" Oh, heavens, what a commotion; so much so I could barely concentrate on my Daily Express. And although I could afford to miss any further stories about foreign illegals having killed Princess Diana – I think this is widely accepted now – what if they could find something else to blame them for? What if they found they're also responsible for avocados going from rock hard to off without an edible period in between, and putting your keys down then not being able to find them?

Now, I know the counterargument; I know some will say many countries – like America and Australia – have been enriched by migrants and none has ever been ruined by them. They might add that no study has proved immigration adversely affects employment or wages. They might conclude that enemies of immigration are the enemies of freedom, and xenophobic to boot, but what good is this? It isn't going to get the Polish plumber out of my shoe, is it?

I don't know if you've ever tried to get from A to B with a Polish plumber in your shoe, but it is awkward, and I have to hobble painstakingly slowly. So I hope MigrationWatch gets somewhere this Thursday, I honestly do.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Volunteer Trustee opportunities now available at The Society for Experimental Biology

Unpaid Voluntary Position : Reach Volunteering: Volunteer your expertise as Tr...

Early Years Educator

£68 - £73 per day + Competitive rates of pay based on experience: Randstad Edu...

Nursery Nurse

£69 - £73 per day + Competitive London rates of pay: Randstad Education Group:...

Primary KS1 NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Residents of the Gravesham constituency are 10 times closer to what Peter Hain scorns as the “Westminster elite” than are those of Linlithgow and East Falkirk  

Will no one stop the march of localism?

Jonathan Meades
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam