Deborah Ross: There's a problem when immigrants can invade my breakfast cereal

If You Ask Me

Share

If you ask me, although there are some who say MigrationWatch – the "independent think-tank" whose e-petition calling on the Government to reduce immigration will be debated by the Backbench Business Committee this Thursday – is a nasty outfit comprising right-wing nut-jobs devoted to scaremongering and playing fast and loose with statistics, I am not among them.

If we're not being seriously over-run by foreigners, as MigrationWatch claims, can you tell me why I woke up this morning to find 62 Bhutanian students who had outstayed their visas hiding in my wardrobe, a Somalian family attempting to set up home in my sock drawer, and a Zimbabwean refugee camping out in my ear? However, I soon got rid of that Zimbabwean by shaking my head most vigorously. I also left him with some advice: "Choose your ears more carefully," I told him. "Although all Britons are descended from a fantastically varied ethnic stock, this is something I choose to ignore and I will not have you living in my ear or on any other part of my body, like between my toes. Do you hear?"

My day did not improve. I went down for breakfast, poured out my cereal, and can you guess what also fell into my bowl? Yes, three generations of a Romanian family and their donkey. Into my Special K! They'd been living in the box! "Get out my Special K!" I shouted. "Get out, get out, get out!" Oh, heavens, what a commotion; so much so I could barely concentrate on my Daily Express. And although I could afford to miss any further stories about foreign illegals having killed Princess Diana – I think this is widely accepted now – what if they could find something else to blame them for? What if they found they're also responsible for avocados going from rock hard to off without an edible period in between, and putting your keys down then not being able to find them?

Now, I know the counterargument; I know some will say many countries – like America and Australia – have been enriched by migrants and none has ever been ruined by them. They might add that no study has proved immigration adversely affects employment or wages. They might conclude that enemies of immigration are the enemies of freedom, and xenophobic to boot, but what good is this? It isn't going to get the Polish plumber out of my shoe, is it?

I don't know if you've ever tried to get from A to B with a Polish plumber in your shoe, but it is awkward, and I have to hobble painstakingly slowly. So I hope MigrationWatch gets somewhere this Thursday, I honestly do.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

£40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

Guru Careers: Software Developer

£35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

Day In a Page

 

In Sickness and in Health: 'I'm really happy to be alive and to see Rebecca'

Rebecca Armstrong
Abuse - and the hell that came afterwards

Abuse - and the hell that follows

James Rhodes on the extraordinary legal battle to publish his memoir
Why we need a 'tranquility map' of England, according to campaigners

It's oh so quiet!

The case for a 'tranquility map' of England
'Timeless fashion': It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it

'Timeless fashion'

It may be a paradox, but the industry loves it
If the West needs a bridge to the 'moderates' inside Isis, maybe we could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive after all

Could have done with Osama bin Laden staying alive?

Robert Fisk on the Fountainheads of World Evil in 2011 - and 2015
New exhibition celebrates the evolution of swimwear

Evolution of swimwear

From bathing dresses in the twenties to modern bikinis
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine