Deborah Ross: There's a problem when immigrants can invade my breakfast cereal

If You Ask Me

Share

If you ask me, although there are some who say MigrationWatch – the "independent think-tank" whose e-petition calling on the Government to reduce immigration will be debated by the Backbench Business Committee this Thursday – is a nasty outfit comprising right-wing nut-jobs devoted to scaremongering and playing fast and loose with statistics, I am not among them.

If we're not being seriously over-run by foreigners, as MigrationWatch claims, can you tell me why I woke up this morning to find 62 Bhutanian students who had outstayed their visas hiding in my wardrobe, a Somalian family attempting to set up home in my sock drawer, and a Zimbabwean refugee camping out in my ear? However, I soon got rid of that Zimbabwean by shaking my head most vigorously. I also left him with some advice: "Choose your ears more carefully," I told him. "Although all Britons are descended from a fantastically varied ethnic stock, this is something I choose to ignore and I will not have you living in my ear or on any other part of my body, like between my toes. Do you hear?"

My day did not improve. I went down for breakfast, poured out my cereal, and can you guess what also fell into my bowl? Yes, three generations of a Romanian family and their donkey. Into my Special K! They'd been living in the box! "Get out my Special K!" I shouted. "Get out, get out, get out!" Oh, heavens, what a commotion; so much so I could barely concentrate on my Daily Express. And although I could afford to miss any further stories about foreign illegals having killed Princess Diana – I think this is widely accepted now – what if they could find something else to blame them for? What if they found they're also responsible for avocados going from rock hard to off without an edible period in between, and putting your keys down then not being able to find them?

Now, I know the counterargument; I know some will say many countries – like America and Australia – have been enriched by migrants and none has ever been ruined by them. They might add that no study has proved immigration adversely affects employment or wages. They might conclude that enemies of immigration are the enemies of freedom, and xenophobic to boot, but what good is this? It isn't going to get the Polish plumber out of my shoe, is it?

I don't know if you've ever tried to get from A to B with a Polish plumber in your shoe, but it is awkward, and I have to hobble painstakingly slowly. So I hope MigrationWatch gets somewhere this Thursday, I honestly do.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Mobile App/IOS Developer (C#, ASP.NET, .NET, MVC)

£50000 - £60000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Mobile App/IOS...

Front End Developer-JavaScript, Angular J.S, HTML, CSS, ASP.NET

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Front End Deve...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Only a game? Far from it

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi speaking at the Grand Mosque in Mosul  

The al-Baghdadi doctrine: leading British Muslims offer their response

Independent Voices
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial
Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app - and my mum keeps trying to hook me up!'

Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app'

Five years on from its launch and Grindr is the world's most popular dating app for gay men. Its founder Joel Simkhai answers his critics, describes his isolation as a child
Autocorrect has its uses but it can go rogue with embarrassing results - so is it time to ditch it?

Is it time to ditch autocorrect?

Matthew J X Malady persuaded friends to message manually instead, but failed to factor in fat fingers and drunk texting
10 best girls' summer dresses

Frock chick: 10 best girls' summer dresses

Get them ready for the holidays with these cool and pretty options 
Westminster’s dark secret: Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together

Westminster’s dark secret

Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Dulce et decorum est - a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Dulce et decorum est: a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality
Google tells popular music website to censor album cover art in 'sexually explicit content' ban

Naked censorship?

The strange case of Google, the music website and the nudity take-down requests
Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

As England take on India at Trent Bridge, here is our pick of the high-performing bats to help you up your run-count this summer 
Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 comment: David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

Captain appears to give up as shocking 7-1 World Cup semi-final defeat threatens ramifications in Brazil