Deborah Ross: This shampoo scandal just can't go on

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, when I first read the headline "Shampoo Makes You Fat" – because of hormone-disrupting chemicals, apparently – I did not panic. I did not panic because, although you are not going to like this, and may even hate me for it, I will say it anyway: I can shampoo my hair as much as I like and not put on an ounce.

I'm just blessed in this way, I suppose, although I know it irritates the hell out of other women. "I only have to look at a bottle of Timotei for it to go straight to my hips," they will say. Or: "I can go without for two or three days but then the craving kicks in and, before I know it, I am in the shower, lathering up. I may even go in for second helpings and lather up twice. I have no self-discipline." Or: "I weigh 17 stone and, even though I try to distract myself by eating more and moving less, I can't resist washing my hair. No wonder this weight won't shift."

Honestly, I am sympathetic, and can see how hard restraint must be, particularly as shampoo is now so widely available – you can even buy it from your corner shop, if you don't mind Vosene – and so ruthlessly advertised. It may even be that if you take the Herbal Essences route you will also be awarded with an orgasm. (If it makes you feel better, Herbal Essences has never given me an orgasm. I am not blessed in this way, alas, as it would be handy to cut out the middle-man).

I don't know why the Government doesn't act to restrict consumption, or at least insist the chemical calorie content is listed on bottles. After all, it is said we're sitting on an obesity time bomb and although the date at which the bomb is due to go off in the UK has not been specified, one has already gone off in Florida and the results were horrific; bits of fat people flying about everywhere.

As one eyewitness put it: "I was walking along, minding my own business, when I suddenly got a muffin top to the side of my head. Knocked me out. I also got cellulite in one ear which, to this day, I am still trying to shake free. I blame John Frieda and his goddamn Frizz-Ease range."

So, unless you are as blessed as I am (sorry!) steer clear of shampoo, at least until next week when new research will probably reveal your slippers may be clogging your arteries, and you'll have something fresh to worry about. This is the way it generally works.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

£65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

£50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

£27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron faces the press as he arrives in Brussels for the EU leaders summit on Thursday reuters  

On the Tusk of a dilemma: Cameron's latest EU renegotiation foe

Andrew Grice
John Profumo and his wife Valerie Robson in 1959  

Stephen Ward’s trial was disgraceful. There can be no justification for it

Geoffrey Robertson QC
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas