Deborah Ross: Want to punch someone in the back of the head? Vote for me

If You Ask Me

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, I would like to throw my hat into the ring for the London mayorship, and so offer you my manifesto, called The Punch To The Back Of The Head Manifesto for reasons which, I think, will become obvious when you read my pledges, which are:

* Anyone who walks slowly in front of you on a London street in such a way that you cannot get past can be punched in the back of the head.

* Walkers who inexplicably stop, reverse, veer or dither in deciding which way they want to go, perhaps while unfolding a map, can also be punched in the back of the head.

* Any person who tweets that Tottenham Court Road has been cordoned off due to a suicide bomber when it's just a man throwing bits of paper out the window can be punched in the back of the head.

* Londoners who complain about immigration will be banned from all ethnic eateries, banned from travelling abroad, and punched in the back of the head.

* Teachers who gather school children at the top of Tube escalators during peak hours can be punched in the back of the head, just as those who gather school children at the top of escalators during off-peak hours can also be punched in the back of the head.

* Those who smugly monopolise the comfy sofas in Starbucks and show no signs of ever leaving can be punched in the back of head.

* Anyone who spends forever at a busy cashpoint doing God knows what can be punched in the back of the head.

* Those who exit Tube carriages so slowly you miss the chance of nabbing the one remaining free seat can be punched in the back of the head.

* Tourists who try to touch into the Oyster system with a paper ticket can't be blamed for not knowing better, but can still be punched in the back of the head.

* The Big Issue seller who laughed at me when I tripped over running for the bus outside Finsbury Park station the other day can be punched in the back of the head.

* Evangelical Christians who wish to advertise a "cure" for homosexuality on the side of London buses can not only be punched in the head, but will also be required to go about in big hats shaped like a lobster, just so we know who they are.

* Everyone will be forced to give way to any Londoner who raises a golf umbrella during a downpour... I'm joshing you! You can punch them in the back of the head, real hard, as often as you like.

I think you will agree that, if you live in London and are itching to punch someone in the back of the head, you should vote for me.

d.ross@independent.co.uk

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