Deborah Ross: What men really need to know – as written by women

If you ask me: We've included a list of the 100 sexiest women who wouldn't look at you twice

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I have decided to expand my magazine empire beyond Not OK! – the monthly for the non-aspirational woman who cannot turn her life around in 986 days, never mind 14 – to a publication for men, although, to distinguish this magazine in the market, it is written entirely by women and so, being for him by her, is called FHM (BHR).

Here at FHM (BHR), we have been working hard on the launch issue, which includes the following great features: So What If My Wife's Put On Weight Since Our Wedding Day (It Suits Her); Hot And Horny Sluts: Seriously, Love, If They Were Really Interested, Wouldn't They Have Called You By Now?; That Goatee Has To Go, My Friend; and Helping Out Round The House: It Can So Get You Laid!

Of course, we've included a list of the 100 sexiest women who wouldn't look at you twice, you big silly, have kicked off our in-depth Nice Thought, Never Going to Happen series with a guide to leaving everything behind and cycling across Canada, and there's a fashion special on what you might wear to stroll down your own particular boulevard of broken dreams. (Shackles are always good; look out for the new Paul Smith, stripy range coming soon!)

There is also advice on grooming – So, Fatty Borrowed Your Razor! Big Deal! – plus, instead of signing up a big name celebrity to road-test fast, sporty cars of the kind you will never be able to afford, let alone handle, we have signed up a nobody to test those second-hand people carriers with 138,000 miles on the clock and which will always smell of sick yet suit where you actually are in life. (Generally, when it comes to second-hand people carriers that always smell of sick and suit where you are in life, the Citroën Picasso is thought to be the best of its class, followed by the Ford Galaxy).

Naturally, there are plenty of How To guides: How To Pair Your Own Socks (fully illustrated); How To Scour Roasting Dishes; How to Cook More Than One Thing; How To Not Boast About The One Thing You Can Cook; How To Patiently Explain Who's Done What To Whom In Mafia Films, and, just to prove we're not all fluff and consumerism, a shock report which, in this issue, investigates what really goes into sausages. ("You'll never eat another sausage," promises our expert, meanly. "And next month? Kebabs.")

So, this is FHM (BHR), specially tailored to meet the needs of men who imagine they are sharp, smart metrosexual winners even though their women know otherwise and hope, if nothing else, they at least read this excellent article: Stacking The Dishwasher: It's My Way Or The Highway. What Part Of That Don't You Get?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

PMO Manager (Portfolio Management, ExCel, Cost Benefit Analysis)

£450 - £500 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: PMO Manager - 6 month co...

Senior BI Engineer (BI/MI, Data Mining)

£60000 - £65000 per annum + Bonus & Benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior BI Enginee...

Retail Promotions Manager – TV and Film Catalogue

Up to £171 PAYE per day (equal to 40 – 45K ) : Sauce Recruitment: This is a te...

Special Needs teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Special Need teachers required t...

Day In a Page

 

Naturism criminalised: Why not being able to bare all is a bummer

Simon Usborne
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

The Guest List 2014

Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on