Deborah Ross: Who does Madonna think she is to go out looking like that?

If you ask me...

Share

If you ask me, I would like to make an appeal to the British public, if it's all right with you, and the appeal is this: might we think of some fresh and new ways to despise and ridicule Madonna? Please?

I am just so massively bored of the usual ways like, for example, the bony hands, even though I accept that, despite the fact she is a singer, songwriter, record producer, dancer, actress, film producer, film director, fashion designer, author, entrepreneur and has done more with one life than you and I could do with several, or 878, running consecutively, such hands are absolutely the thing, really, and entirely unforgivable. As it is, and as far as I understand it, the International Court of Some Body Parts Actually Looking Their Age (based in Dusseldorf and with a remit to magnify all such parts, circle them in red marker pen and directly pass them to the Daily Mail and Heat and Grazia and similar) is actually considering putting Madonna under house arrest, although how she has the courage to go out and about with hands any 53-year-old might have is anyone's guess. I think I'd even jump in front of a train, if I were her. I might even chew them off.

Then there is the fact that she works out a lot, which, to put it plainly, is just awful, and appears on chat shows and red carpets to promote her latest movie – the bitch! – and has had two failed marriages – cow! – and is still romantically hopeful – unbelievable! Such cheek! – and I understand all this, even though her back catalogue features some of the most stunningly original pop songs of their time, and there wouldn't be Lady Gaga without Madonna, and she has a remarkable talent for survival and self-transformation and appears to live life entirely on her own terms (what a loon! How absurd! It makes me sick!).

So could we have some new and fresh ways, please? Do you know of anything? Does she, for example, have a special room for, say, butchering babies and boiling puppies? Or, failing that, does she sniff without blowing her nose, or leave the cap off the toothpaste, or put on a wash and then leave it in the machine until it smells? (I know I do.)

So this is my appeal, and although I thought I might also appeal for new and fresh ways to despise and ridicule Keith Richards, I then realised he's a man and the same rules don't apply and we shouldn't go near despising and ridiculing him in the first place. Sorry. My mistake. Honestly, I can be such a chump sometimes. I don't think I need evidence from you for that!

d.ross@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

HR Business Partner (Maternity Cover 12 Months)

£30000 - £34000 Per Annum 25 days holiday, Private healthcare: Clearwater Peop...

Business Analyst - London - Banking - £400-£450

£400 - £450 per day: Orgtel: Business Analyst - Credit Risk - Banking - London...

Application Engineer - Flow Metering

£40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Application ...

Chemical Engineer/Project Coordinator

£40000 - £45000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Chemical Eng...

Day In a Page

The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

The Guest List 2014

Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on