Deborah Ross: Who does Madonna think she is to go out looking like that?

If you ask me...

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If you ask me, I would like to make an appeal to the British public, if it's all right with you, and the appeal is this: might we think of some fresh and new ways to despise and ridicule Madonna? Please?

I am just so massively bored of the usual ways like, for example, the bony hands, even though I accept that, despite the fact she is a singer, songwriter, record producer, dancer, actress, film producer, film director, fashion designer, author, entrepreneur and has done more with one life than you and I could do with several, or 878, running consecutively, such hands are absolutely the thing, really, and entirely unforgivable. As it is, and as far as I understand it, the International Court of Some Body Parts Actually Looking Their Age (based in Dusseldorf and with a remit to magnify all such parts, circle them in red marker pen and directly pass them to the Daily Mail and Heat and Grazia and similar) is actually considering putting Madonna under house arrest, although how she has the courage to go out and about with hands any 53-year-old might have is anyone's guess. I think I'd even jump in front of a train, if I were her. I might even chew them off.

Then there is the fact that she works out a lot, which, to put it plainly, is just awful, and appears on chat shows and red carpets to promote her latest movie – the bitch! – and has had two failed marriages – cow! – and is still romantically hopeful – unbelievable! Such cheek! – and I understand all this, even though her back catalogue features some of the most stunningly original pop songs of their time, and there wouldn't be Lady Gaga without Madonna, and she has a remarkable talent for survival and self-transformation and appears to live life entirely on her own terms (what a loon! How absurd! It makes me sick!).

So could we have some new and fresh ways, please? Do you know of anything? Does she, for example, have a special room for, say, butchering babies and boiling puppies? Or, failing that, does she sniff without blowing her nose, or leave the cap off the toothpaste, or put on a wash and then leave it in the machine until it smells? (I know I do.)

So this is my appeal, and although I thought I might also appeal for new and fresh ways to despise and ridicule Keith Richards, I then realised he's a man and the same rules don't apply and we shouldn't go near despising and ridiculing him in the first place. Sorry. My mistake. Honestly, I can be such a chump sometimes. I don't think I need evidence from you for that!

d.ross@independent.co.uk

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