If you ask me, it is only right and proper that the Queen hosted a shooting party at Balmoral for Michael and Carole Middleton, Prince William's prospective in-laws and mother of "Waity Katy" who, I am guessing, does not like this waity for her wedding cakey, but what can you do, for heaven's sakey?

Still, an announcement is surely imminent, particularly as this week's Hello! shows us a photograph of the couple wearing "the smiles that confirm an engagement is near" and which have since been independently verified by staff at the International Institute of Smiling, set up in 1992 to rule on these matters. Indeed, as the Institute's spokesperson says: "All our experts agree it is almost certainly the Nearly Engaged Smile even though, to the untrained eye, it may look like any old smile, as reasonably used in a situation where one would smile, generally."

So, of course the Queen wants to know if the Middletons are up to crawling though undergrowth and blowing the brains out of poor, innocent, lovely, beautiful animals. The Queen is, first and foremost, a mother, and as a mother myself, I do understand this. I wouldn't let my son marry anyone whose parents weren't up to it, and he knows it. Indeed, whenever he has shown serious interest in a girl I have always said to him: "Yes, darling, she does seem very nice, but would her parents blow up beautiful, innocent animals and take their heads home for the wall, or are they too common? Are their decorative influences more, say, Ikea?" I might shudder at this point, just to get the message across, as might his father.

So I see where the Queen is coming from, and not only wish the couple every happiness, but would also like to offer the following advice: the secret of a long and happy marriage, Waity Katy? Give and takey, give and takey. (Also, I will send you my recipe for pasta bakey ...)