Deborah Ross: With all these health tips, I can't go wrong

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I need to pay more attention to my health, and have therefore decided to live according to all recent health advice proffered by newspapers. I am only on Day One so cannot report on any benefits yet, but am full of resolve and have already made a number of important and, I hope, life-changing decisions.

For example, I am absolutely determined to drink a glass or two of wine a day as this will help stave off Alzheimer's (Daily Mail, 19.08.11) while, simultaneously, I shall be giving up wine completely as it is "damaging to older people's brains" (Daily Mail, 23.08.11).

I do not yet know how I will negotiate both drinking and not drinking, or how I missed the four-day window when I could do drinking without worrying about not drinking, but can tell you with complete certainty that I shall be trying to do so while staying happily married, which is the key to living longer (Independent, 23.08.11), and not getting married at all, as marriage makes you fat (Daily Mirror, 23.08.11). And if you are unhappily married and fat? You may well die tomorrow, you will be delighted to hear.

I shall, of course, be cutting down on salt as it increases the risk of both stroke and heart disease (Guardian, 10.05.11) but, at the same time, I also won't bother as salt may actually be good for you (Daily Express, 06.07.11). Between drinking and not drinking, marrying and not marrying, salting and not salting, I don't know how I'll find the time to pile my plate with protein, but suppose I'll just have to. It's by far the best way of keeping off weight (Daily Telegraph, 25.11.10) even though such Atkins-style diets may have rather had their day and, it seems, do more harm than good (The Times, 09.07.11).

Naturally, I won't be exposing myself to the sun without slathering myself in high factor sun cream, as I'd rather not suffer from skin cancer (The Sun, 12.08.11) although, at some point, I will need to sit down and ask myself: is skin cancer better or worse than the fragile bones that can result if you slather yourself in too much (Daily Mail, 23.08.11)?

But the main thing is I can't wait to get going with my new regime, particularly as waiting to get going with a new regime has been shown to take six years off your life, and it may be as long as four days before further research will show it does the opposite. It can make you wonder why you bother, but I wouldn't. That causes impetigo. Fact.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Renewals Sales Executive

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A PHP Developer with knowledge ...

SThree: Associate Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + OTE: SThree: SThree are seeking Associate Recruitm...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Software Engineer - PHP

£33000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Polish minister Rafal Trazaskowski (second from right)  

Poland is open to dialogue but EU benefits restrictions are illegal and unfair

Rafal Trzaskowski
The report will embarrass the Home Secretary, Theresa May  

Surprise, surprise: tens of thousands of illegal immigrants have 'dropped off' the Home Office’s radar

Nigel Farage
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas