Deborah Ross: Without this list you won't be on-trend

If you ask me... never machine-wash a giant woolly vagina

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If you ask me, now the "Fashion Weeks" are all kicking off – New York, London, Paris and Milan, which is already saying "Gloves!" with great urgency – I thought I would distil this season's forthcoming trends for you. They are as follows:

* Big bold colours aren't going anywhere, although they do have the dentist on Thursday, and will obviously need a toilet break at some point.

* Pockets will be in but only before noon, after which they will be firmly out again. If you are keen on the pocketed look, plan outings for mornings only.

* Coats will touch on the Sixties trend in a modern way, which is always a blessed relief .

* The key trend in knitwear is the cowl neck, which is terrific, particularly if you have always yearned to look as if your neck might be sticking out of a giant, woolly, handwash-only vagina,

* Prada will play quietly with girlishness and the low-slung waist silhouette until you get up and give it breakfast.

* Camel is the new black, which is good news for camel – it is already living in a penthouse overlooking the Thames – but bad news for black, which is selling The Big Issue outside Finsbury Park Tube.

* Although it would be good to see Miu Miu and Marni go to hell in a handcart, they are thinking more of pretty tea dresses with an edge of edginess that is also most edgy.

* Victoria Beckham's stupidly enormous signature handbags will now be available in snakeskin, crocodile and cheese. (The cheese is ethically sourced, her marketing team will insist).

* Diane von Furstenberg will persist with those wraparound dresses which happen to unwrap whenever they so fancy, mostly while you're running for a bus. (As they say in fashion circles: "If you've never flashed at a bus driver, you haven't worn Furstenberg.").

* Florals will be quite flowery, while non-florals won't be flowery at all, and although taupe is only beige by another name, ecru will dance the light fandango and not get home until 5am, driving you mad with worry.

* Hemlines will be wherever the hem happens to stop. You can bet your life on it.

And that, my dears, is A/W 2011 all summed up and if you can only take one thing away today, make sure it is this: never machine-wash a giant woolly vagina. It will shrink alarmingly, and may even lose its shape.

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