Deborah Ross: You could get old fretting about ageing

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, now might not be a good time, as I am howling in outrage. I rarely howl in outrage as it's a faff, and a bother, but the other night I caught the TV commercial for L'Oréal's new Revitalift Ten, which "targets the ten signs of ageing in one step" and I've been howling ever since. Ten signs of ageing? Ten? How? Since when? Hasn't it always been seven? Isn't this what Olay have been telling us for years? Buy this, buy that, and you'll "reverse the seven signs of ageing" and isn't that what we've always believed, even though we know, deep down, the jar might as well read: "Madam, the chances of you reversing the signs of ageing are up there with you ever reversing a tank up your arse, but we'll say nothing if you won't." And now L'Oréal has upped the stakes to ten?

On whose authority? That's what I'd like to know. Is there an International Signs Of Ageing Panel which meets regularly in Geneva and moots all new signs of ageing, which then have to be verified and ratified? Or can anyone have a go? And what does this mean for Olay, now they are three down on the signs of ageing front? Might they fight back with an extra five? This may even be the most serious international cosmetic incident since Estée Lauder threatened to improve on Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour Cream by 42 minutes, which she almost certainly would have done if Helena Rubinstein hadn't held her back. ("Just let it go, Estée; move on, love.")

It's not fair; it truly isn't. As it is, I set my alarm clock 35 minutes earlier than is actually necessary in the mornings so I can fret about the seven signs of ageing, giving a good five minutes to each. On occasion, I may spend six minutes on "dullness of skin's appearance" but that's OK because I'll claw time back by knocking a minute off "blotchiness" or "larger appearance of pores" or "dry skin" or "rough skin" or "age spots" or "lines and wrinkles." But now I'll have to set it 50 minutes earlier? Great. Terrific. Thanks a bunch.

What are the extra three anyhow? I can find absolutely no information on this. I can't even find any of the information that appears to be a big deal but turns out to be housed in a false-bottomed, false-sided, false-topped jar, and actually amounts to diddly-squat. Might howling in outrage be one? Can L'Oréal target that? I'm hoping so, otherwise I just can't see how I'm ever going to stop.



React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistant - Accounts Payable - St. Albans

£26000 - £28000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistan...

Ashdown Group: Treasury Assistant - Accounts Assistant - London, Old Street

£24000 - £26000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Recruitment Genius: Installation and Service / Security Engineer

£22000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is part of a Group...

Recruitment Genius: Service Charge Accounts Assistant

£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you a a young, dynamic pers...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A Gold Ferrari sits outside Chanel on Sloane Street  

Sunday Times Rich List: We are no longer in thrall to very rich people

Terence Blacker
David Cameron was openly emotional at the prospect of Scotland leaving the union before the referendum  

Remember when David Cameron almost cried over Scotland because he loved it so much?

Matthew Norman
Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence