Deborah Ross: Your desperate search for the perfect Christmas gift is over

If you ask me...
Click to follow
The Independent Online

If you ask me, I've been so preoccupied fretting about my complete lack of style, I almost forgot to bring out my Christmas novelty book of the kind desperate shoppers in desperate search of a desperate gift might actually buy, desperately. I thought, this year, I might write one from the point of view of my dog or cat, or a spiritually uplifting one – Mashed Swede for the Soul, I thought – but finally opted for a New Scientist-style compendium of puzzling queries but not the answers, as that would have been too much work, and I've got my camel toe to attend to. (You'd be amazed how often it needs feeding.) And now, here goes:

Why is a "juice drink" called a "juice drink" when it's so obviously juice and a drink and not, say, slippers?

What do you have to do to get the sofa in Starbucks, and why isit never me?

Does that Stacey woman ever look at that spread from Iceland and think: "Look at all the crap in that. I wish I'd paid a bit extra and gone to Waitrose"?

Who took the coconut ones out of bags of Revels and why was this thought to be a good idea?

Why hasn't anyone yet told the Daily Mail that Downton isn't actually real?

Why does everything in the garden you want to die grow and everything you want to grow die?

Why do men lock the car electronically but then go around trying all the handles?

How is it if a restaurant offers you a giant-sized menu bound in leatherette with a tassel, you just know with absolute confidence it's not going to be a spectacular meal?

And on it goes: Why do men always say they make "a mean chilli" when it's only bolognese with kidney beans and a pinch of chilli in it?

Why do Europeans have so many hair and eye colours as opposed to the rest of the world?

Why do washing machines have so many programmes when everyone uses just the one, D?

Why is it some people will always struggle with "left" and "right" but never "up" and "down"?

If you can raise a human on cow's milk could you raise a cow on breast milk?

Why do birds/suddenly appear/ every time/you are near?*

If you were to experience a premonition and déjà vu at the same time, would you be back where you started?

Is this the best desperate gift book a desperate shopper can buy for someone, desperately?

I can actually answer that last one: you bet!

* I'm just guessing here but I think that just like me/they long to be/close to you.