Deborah Ross: Your future is written in the stars (and below)

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, now is the time for my horoscope predictions for 2011 which – and forgive me for blowing my own trumpet here – I predicted I would write from first thing this morning, when I figured I couldn't be bothered to think of a better idea. I also predicted I would do it in two parts, so I did not have to think of anything else for later in the week. You can say what you like about me but you cannot say I don't have a handle on predicting exactly how I will avoid work for the foreseeable future I so cleverly foresaw.

So here, then, my astrological forecasts, based on the ancient science of affecting to look at the stars and saying vague things, vaguely, in the hope at least some of it vaguely hits home:

* Aries: With Venus in a huff and Mars being plain silly – as ever; silly, silly Mars – you can expect some stuff to happen to you throughout most of 2011. It may be big stuff, it may be little stuff and, sometimes, medium-sized stuff may even happen, but the main thing to remember is this: stuff will happen. You have my vague word on it. (Man, I'm good.)

* Taurus: You will look at your Christmas present from your husband – an electric foot warmer – and wonder: "Who does he think he has been living with and all these years? His nan?" Your feelings of resentment towards him may not be that vague.

* Gemini: Busy, busy, busy. Or not. It could go either way. Also, expect Capricorn to come sniffing around your Venus in March. You may need to beat it away with a stick and rolled-up newspaper.

* Cancer: Your new year resolution to go running every day at 6am will falter on 1 January when, having pressed the snooze button 769 times, you finally get up around noon. With Mercury in retrograde, there is a strong chance that, come mid-February, you will return your fancy new trainers to the shop.

* Leo: If you are looking for love, check under the sofa cushions. If it isn't there ask yourself this: where did I last see it? If you received an electric foot-warmer for Christmas, did you throw it out along with the box? Check the bins.

* Virgo: You will get to the very end of 450 words written by someone who just doesn't have it in them this week and will ask yourself: "What has my life come to? Why is it so empty? When is the better stuff going to happen?" You can be sure of this, too. I am good.

Part Two on Thursday, as so expertly predicted