E Jane Dickson: 'It has been pointed out to me that proper mums carry tissues and never run out of plasters'

Share
Related Topics

Bit of a swizz, putting the clocks forward on Easter morning. We breeze into church just in time for the final hymn, which is embarrassing for me, but not too disappointing for the children, who are eager to get on with the real business of the day.

"Now Mum," warns Con on our way to the Easter egg hunt in our neighbours' garden. "Don't be going on about the Easter Bunny, will you?"

"Or Prince Charles," adds Clara. "Don't be going on about him either."

It's true that I have been known to venture an opinion on both subjects, but my objections to each are quite different.

I worry that the Easter Bunny isn't quite constitutional, being neither Christian nor pagan (I could cope with the goddess Eostre on a greetings card, as I have explained to forehead-clutching groans from the kids). But I couldn't give a damn about Prince Charles's constitutional jiggery-pokery; I just think he's a peevish dolt.

But Clara hates it when I get all anti-monarchist, and Conor believes that flagrant disrespect to the Easter Bunny, on this of all days, is playing fast and loose with chocolate. So I agree to keep my opinions to myself, at least until Con has filled his basket. It is possible, I concede, that the EB is not just a goofily American construct designed to annoy pedants, but a stylised hare, and therefore in keeping with pagan symbols... But Con has had enough.

"It doesn't matter." He almost weeps. "Rabbit or hare, it doesn't matter. He's just a, a bunny. All right?"

Clara, for once, is on her brother's side. "You are turning into a bit of a weirdo about this," she tells me in a meaning-to- be-kindly voice. "It's not really the kind of thing mums care about."

"So," I ask, intrigued by yet another refinement of the job-description (it has, over the years, been pointed out to me that - inter alia - proper mums carry tissues in their handbags, keep a lifetime's supply of sharpened pencils and never run out of sticking plasters), "what is a suitable subject for mums to get excited about?"

"Oh, you know," says Clara, airily, "school dinners and stuff like that."

"Yes," chimes Con. Not Easter Bunnies and grammar. "I mean," he goes on, arms raised in rhetorical appeal, "what normal mum cares about 'panties'?"

I am, naturally, forced to point out that my loathing of the word "panties" is not strictly speaking a grammatical concern. It's just a word I really cannot stand, but even as I speak, I realise how lame this sounds. "Imagine," says Conor in a deep, scary voice, "if a giant Easter Bunny came along this road right now in a giant pair of panties..."

"Were to come," I murmur weakly. "Imagine if he were to come..." But the game is up. Pursued by a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old chanting "panties, panties", I break into a run. But I know, in my heart, there is nowhere to hide.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - B2B, Corporate - City, London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Recruitment Genius: Head of Content and PR

£35000 - £37000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer - Mid / Senior

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing digital agenc...

Recruitment Genius: E-commerce Partnerships Manager

£50000 - £100000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a newly-created partne...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella, with her boyfriend, fellow vlogger Alfie Deyes  

If children are obese then blame food manufacturers, not Zoella

Jane Merrick
Amos Yee arrives with his father at the State courts in Singapore on March 31  

Singapore's arrest of a 16-year-old YouTuber is all you need to know about Lee Kuan Yew's legacy

Noah Sin
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

The only direction Zayn could go

We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

Spells like teen spirit

A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

Licence to offend in the land of the free

Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell