Get behind the wheel and go for a sex drive

Share

Getting behind the wheel of a machine that is capable of killing people is not for the likes of dreamy, wool-gathering airheads like me. I made this decision quite early on in life. I was aged about 16 or 17, pedalling along on my pushbike, lost in a reverie, when I realised that not only was I cycling the wrong way down a one-way street, but a juggernaut was inches from my face. Pausing only to register the more than expressive body language of the lorry driver, I swerved, fell into a ditch and resolved never to learn how to drive.

Getting behind the wheel of a machine that is capable of killing people is not for the likes of dreamy, wool-gathering airheads like me. I made this decision quite early on in life. I was aged about 16 or 17, pedalling along on my pushbike, lost in a reverie, when I realised that not only was I cycling the wrong way down a one-way street, but a juggernaut was inches from my face. Pausing only to register the more than expressive body language of the lorry driver, I swerved, fell into a ditch and resolved never to learn how to drive.

How foolish of me. If I had motoring skills I could now be heading as fast as humanly possible to Salem, Pennsylvania, home of the world's very first drive-through strip club. Yes, you read that a-right, ladies and gentlemen. A strip club that you can drive through. One of those brilliant ideas that has entrepreneurs the world over slapping their foreheads and moaning, "Now why didn't I think of that?" Forget clockwork radios or Third World water purifying systems - here is true progress. You get behind the wheel of your Morris Minor, perhaps with a thermos and sandwiches, and for only $5 per minute you can motor past a scantily-clad woman who will remove some, if not all, of the scanties in which she is clad. Now that's what I call progress.

The owner of this brave new establishment is one Nick Fratangelo, and far be it from me to make snap judgements on the strength of someone's name and occupation, but what is it about Mr Fratangelo and his drive-through strip joint, subtly called The Climax Gentleman's Club, that makes me think "low-life hood making easy money out of gullible jerks"?

Oh, to have been in that cosy little downtown pasta joint run by that lovely old Italian momma who murdered six husbands, while names for the club were being bandied about. "We want something that says class," says the extortionist.

"Yeah," agrees the axe-murderer. "We gotta keep out the low-life." "How about Gentlemen's Club?" asks the British cannibal, tucking into a steaming bowl of linguine and liver (don't ask). "Great," snaps Nick Fratangelo, an avid PG Wodehouse fan. "The Come and Look At Bouncy Bits Gentleman's Club. I like it."

God knows what other suggestions they came up with before they hit on "climax". Either way, it will have worked, I promise you: the freeways of Salem will be clogged because this is what men are like. If there's a choice between dignity and self-respect, or viewing the private parts of total strangers, we will be heading for the strip club before you can say "no depths of degradation to which we will not sink".

What a sex we are. We will buy the seediest magazines imaginable. We will haunt dimly lit video shops in Soho and dither for ages, torn between an evocative yarn involving some housewives from Denmark or another to do with a donkey.

And now look. A lap-dancing club in Hove has applied for permission for their girls to be touched by blind people. It's nice to know there's someone out there who cares for the differently-abled members of the community. Pity those poor people, who up until now had to sit (literally) in the dark, while a friend provided a commentary. "She's taking off her top now. I can see a nipple."

And I promise you this. If the lap-dancing club has its way, some man somewhere will seriously consider having his eyes put out. So there we are . Our mothers were right. It does make you go blind.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Online Media Sales Trainee

£15000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Now our rapidly expanding and A...

Recruitment Genius: Public House Manager / Management Couples

£15000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you passionate about great ...

Recruitment Genius: Production Planner

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing reinforcing s...

Recruitment Genius: General Factory Operatives

£18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing reinforcing s...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

If I were Prime Minister: Every privatised corner of the NHS would be taken back into public ownership

Philip Pullman
 

Errors & Omissions: Magna Carta, sexing bishops and ministerial aides

John Rentoul
As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

Mussolini tried to warn his ally of the danger of bringing the country to its knees. So should we, says Patrick Cockburn
Britain's widening poverty gap should be causing outrage at the start of the election campaign

The short stroll that should be our walk of shame

Courting the global elite has failed to benefit Britain, as the vast disparity in wealth on display in the capital shows
Homeless Veterans appeal: The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty

Homeless Veterans appeal

The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty
Prince Charles the saviour of the nation? A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king

Prince Charles the saviour of the nation?

A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king
How books can defeat Isis: Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad

How books can defeat Isis

Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad
Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

She may be in charge of minimising our risks of injury, but the chair of the Health and Safety Executive still wants children to be able to hurt themselves
The open loathing between Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu just got worse

The open loathing between Obama and Netanyahu just got worse

The Israeli PM's relationship with the Obama has always been chilly, but going over the President's head on Iran will do him no favours, says Rupert Cornwell
French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

Fury at British best restaurants survey sees French magazine produce a rival list
Star choreographer Matthew Bourne gives young carers a chance to perform at Sadler's Wells

Young carers to make dance debut

What happened when superstar choreographer Matthew Bourne encouraged 27 teenage carers to think about themselves for once?
Design Council's 70th anniversary: Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch

Design Council's 70th anniversary

Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch
Dame Harriet Walter: The actress on learning what it is to age, plastic surgery, and her unease at being honoured by the establishment

Dame Harriet Walter interview

The actress on learning what it is to age, plastic surgery, and her unease at being honoured by the establishment
Art should not be a slave to the ideas driving it

Art should not be a slave to the ideas driving it

Critics of Tom Stoppard's new play seem to agree that cerebral can never trump character, says DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's winter salads will make you feel energised through February

Bill Granger's winter salads

Salads aren't just a bit on the side, says our chef - their crunch, colour and natural goodness are perfect for a midwinter pick-me-up
England vs Wales: Cool head George Ford ready to put out dragon fire

George Ford: Cool head ready to put out dragon fire

No 10’s calmness under pressure will be key for England in Cardiff
Michael Calvin: Time for Old Firm to put aside bigotry and forge new links

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Time for Old Firm to put aside bigotry and forge new links